Along the way, I have learned there are times that can really break a person. However, I have also learned that with faith, Jesus, precious family, and awesome friends, the breaking does not happen nearly as often.
Many of you know that I have been facing some tough reality the past few weeks. To those of you who do know, thank you for respecting my privacy. I wasn't ready to address it in an open forum, however I am aware that there is a need to do so. And I am now ok to discuss it openly.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in my doctor's office when she made the following statement "I am sorry to tell you this, but you do have cancer.". I can tell you that the moment she finished that statement it seemed like I could hear my heart beating in my eardrums, and I got tunnel vision. After a few seconds, I was able to ask what kind and what my next steps are.
I have cervical cancer. It is still a little unreal when I make that statement. But it's true. After numerous tests, there is no hiding from it. I am in the extremely small part of the population that did not get it from HPV. My doctor and I discussed the fact that studies now show it can be hereditary. And since my mother is adopted, we do not know our medical history so to speak.
I have already had a couple of outpatient procedures done, the latest one being today. I go back in February or March for another Pap Smear, and then this summer will proceed with a full hysterectomy. After that, we will know about what chemo and/or radiation route we will take. If any.
First of all let me say thank you for your phone calls, facebook messages, mail, texts, hugs (especially the big bear hugs), and the prayers. I can honestly say that I have the BEST family and friends of anyone. I was telling my mother tonight that you always know you matter to your family and best friends. But I never really thought I mattered outside of that to anyone. But apparently I was wrong. People I didn't realized love me, do.
Here are a few of my truths:
1. Sometimes I get nervous.
2. This does NOT make me any different than who I have always been. So please do not feel
like you have to act any differently around me.
3. I have had a few "worst case scenario" people ask me about the "what ifs". My family and I
choose not to think that way. We do not ponder that part. Because the "worst case scenario"
in my case, also means the BEST case scenario. Heaven. We just do not consider that an
option. :)
4. Please pray for my family. This has been very tough for them. Probably harder for them
than for me to be honest.
5. I do not feel sorry for myself in the least bit. In all honesty, I haven't even cried yet.
Although I am sure there will be a time and place when I do. If you happen to be the
person who experiences that, I am so sorry.
6. I am not slowing down. At all. I have a pretty awesome life to live.
7. As my dear friend said... Cancer has picked the WRONG gal to mess with.
8. I have 100% faith in my team of doctors. And I have 150% faith in my Jesus.
I know that there will be some tough times ahead. I know that this is not exactly the path I would have chosen for myself. But I do know that my God is in control, and He never lets me down. He never stops fighting for me. His love never waivers. And it isn't about to start letting me down now. He has His arms around me and is fighting like only He can. I am protected, and I am loved. And because of this, I know that I will be just fine. I have such a strong inner peace within myself. I do not have any fear. And I know that is because of Him. Because I certainly can't handle this without Him.
If you are reading this, and have a child in my class.... please do not discuss this with them. I do not want to scare them. And this will in NO way affect my job. I have 21 loves who need me. And I need them. They have my whole heart. I fell in love with each and every one of them the first time I met them. They make this journey bearable. Your children still get 150% of me. Always have. Always will. Period.
If you are reading this and have interactions with McKayla and Emma (my nieces), please do not discuss this with them either. There is no need for them to know anything until we get to the chemo/radiation part if and when that becomes necessary.
Lastly, please know that I love each and every one of you very much. This is just a little bump along the path that is my journey thru life. And that is exactly what I choose. Life. If anything, this has taught me to take nothing and no one for granted. Extremely cliche. But very true. Cancer breaks a lot of people. But I know one thing is true.... I. Don't. Break. Ever....
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The Words Left Unspoken...
This morning in church, one of our resident pastors, Daniel talked about the pain our tongues can inflict on others. (For the record.... I LOVE LOVE my church. We are a come as you are, love you through your junk church. And goodness knows we all have junk.) He talked about how the tongue can do great damage, whether it be in our language, or the things we say to one another. Which made me think... (I know, I know... oh boy...).
He is no doubt correct. The things we say can cause people great pain. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of this. Rest assured, they both stink. However, I began to think that sometimes, it's the things we leave unspoken that can cause pain too.
Sometimes when people say nothing, it can cause someone to wonder what they did wrong. Especially when they let that person know how they feel about it and the person continues to remain silent. We can tell people that we feel certain ways, but unless we back it up, those words remain empty. Silence is an action. So the whole saying "actions speak louder than words" remains true. Sometimes your silence can speak volumes. And sometimes that silence causes hurt. Because that means that person has made you feel like your feelings aren't important. You're not important.
Several good relationships (of any kind) are lost because of silence. Or because of the painful things we say to each other. It's scary to tell people how we feel. What if it makes them angry? What if they yell at us? What if they don't care? There comes a time during someone's silence where we may begin to realize that we simply are not important to that person. At all. And we never will be. Then we have to ask ourselves if that person is worth fighting for, or if we need to simply walk away. Personally, I'm a fighter. I will fight for someone I care about until there is absolutely nothing left. And then I will still be here if they ever decide to come back. Yeah, simply walking away would be so much easier. But in the end if we fight for it, what if it is worth it? Without great risk, we will never know great passion.
Maybe the risk is worth it. Maybe it isn't. There is only one way to find out. Fight. Rant over.
He is no doubt correct. The things we say can cause people great pain. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of this. Rest assured, they both stink. However, I began to think that sometimes, it's the things we leave unspoken that can cause pain too.
Sometimes when people say nothing, it can cause someone to wonder what they did wrong. Especially when they let that person know how they feel about it and the person continues to remain silent. We can tell people that we feel certain ways, but unless we back it up, those words remain empty. Silence is an action. So the whole saying "actions speak louder than words" remains true. Sometimes your silence can speak volumes. And sometimes that silence causes hurt. Because that means that person has made you feel like your feelings aren't important. You're not important.
Several good relationships (of any kind) are lost because of silence. Or because of the painful things we say to each other. It's scary to tell people how we feel. What if it makes them angry? What if they yell at us? What if they don't care? There comes a time during someone's silence where we may begin to realize that we simply are not important to that person. At all. And we never will be. Then we have to ask ourselves if that person is worth fighting for, or if we need to simply walk away. Personally, I'm a fighter. I will fight for someone I care about until there is absolutely nothing left. And then I will still be here if they ever decide to come back. Yeah, simply walking away would be so much easier. But in the end if we fight for it, what if it is worth it? Without great risk, we will never know great passion.
Maybe the risk is worth it. Maybe it isn't. There is only one way to find out. Fight. Rant over.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Pain Unintentional...
I have sat down and written a few different posts in the last couple of weeks, but decided not to share them. But this one I will share because it has made my heart heavy...
So many times in life we are hurt by others words/actions or the lack thereof. Many times we cause the same hurt to someone else. Either way, pain is felt. I have been both on the receiving end and the giving end of this. And both have happened lately.
“Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.” ― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief. That quote has been engrained in my mind the last few days. Because a few days ago I was told of some pain that I had inflicted on another person. Not purposefully, but it happened just the same. And I am the direct cause of this persons pain. It is something that happened about 12 years ago and I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA. I have been replaying the conversation (I found out from a third party that I had hurt this person), and trying to figure out what to do. So, needless to say, I will be apologizing. It was because of my selfishness that I caused this person pain. Pain to the point they called my parents to ask what they had done wrong. But this person smiled at me daily, even though I had "slapped them in the face" with my actions. I never knew ANY of this until a few days ago. My heart is broken. I am not sure exactly what I will say. I just know that there will be an apology...and a prayer that the apology is accepted, even though I do not deserve for it to be.
This week I have been a little over-sensitive and emotionally charged, which NEVER happens. There is a reason for this, and the main reason for my blog entry, which I will get to in a minute... But because over-sensitivity + emotionally charged = plain stupidity, I may have cost myself a friendship that I consider kind of important to me. I am learning I do a really good job of screwing things up. Apparently. The thought that this friendship may be no more makes me so angry with myself. Because it is 100% my fault. Usually I am the kind of person that if you want to leave, stand aside and I will hold the door wide open for you. Goodbye and good riddance. But this person has gotten under my skin, which I am so careful not to let happen. My walls are super high and super thick. Usually. But this one caught me off guard. I guess that's why it hurts. Which is a different kind of pain. Because that is a pain that I brought upon myself. I am truly at a loss for what to do or say (which I never run out of things to say...ha!). It's one of those situations that I think no matter what I do or say, it will piss them off. So I pray about this too. When all else fails, pray. Right?
Now for the reason of my blog... When I was 20, one of my best friends was killed in an automobile accident. That is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I will never forget the phone call. Both of her parents were on the phone, and had somehow mustered the strength to tell me themselves. A few days later, her mom called again and asked me to go to her school and help her clean out her dorm room. That day sucked. It was awful. I left that day with a box her mother had given me. I still have the box. Inside there are a few video tapes of us singing karaoke in her living room with her little sister, and generally acting stupid. There is a cassette tape that had been made of us singing. And there are her rosary beads. The day we cleaned her room out, we sat down and watched the videos. I haven't watched them since then. Never will.
To this day, I talk to her mom and sister, Delaney once a month. Sometimes more. Wednesday I had a FaceTime conversation with Delaney. Thursday, her mom called me once again to tell me the news. Delaney had taken her own life. I am still in total shock. How did I miss that? How did I not see her pain? Because I should have. I don't understand. Maybe it isn't for me to understand. But there is tremendous guilt. I should have seen something. Heard something in her voice. Seen something in her face. Something. There is pain because she is gone, and there is pain because I didn't notice anything different.
There is; sometimes, pain in the things we say, how we say them, the things we leave unsaid, the way we treat others, the way we make others feel, and the actions we take. Sometimes the pain is purposeful. Sometimes the pain is very unintentional. Either way, it hurts. And sometimes all we can do is put on a fake smile and keep going. Because God forbid we actually feel....
So many times in life we are hurt by others words/actions or the lack thereof. Many times we cause the same hurt to someone else. Either way, pain is felt. I have been both on the receiving end and the giving end of this. And both have happened lately.
“Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.” ― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief. That quote has been engrained in my mind the last few days. Because a few days ago I was told of some pain that I had inflicted on another person. Not purposefully, but it happened just the same. And I am the direct cause of this persons pain. It is something that happened about 12 years ago and I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA. I have been replaying the conversation (I found out from a third party that I had hurt this person), and trying to figure out what to do. So, needless to say, I will be apologizing. It was because of my selfishness that I caused this person pain. Pain to the point they called my parents to ask what they had done wrong. But this person smiled at me daily, even though I had "slapped them in the face" with my actions. I never knew ANY of this until a few days ago. My heart is broken. I am not sure exactly what I will say. I just know that there will be an apology...and a prayer that the apology is accepted, even though I do not deserve for it to be.
This week I have been a little over-sensitive and emotionally charged, which NEVER happens. There is a reason for this, and the main reason for my blog entry, which I will get to in a minute... But because over-sensitivity + emotionally charged = plain stupidity, I may have cost myself a friendship that I consider kind of important to me. I am learning I do a really good job of screwing things up. Apparently. The thought that this friendship may be no more makes me so angry with myself. Because it is 100% my fault. Usually I am the kind of person that if you want to leave, stand aside and I will hold the door wide open for you. Goodbye and good riddance. But this person has gotten under my skin, which I am so careful not to let happen. My walls are super high and super thick. Usually. But this one caught me off guard. I guess that's why it hurts. Which is a different kind of pain. Because that is a pain that I brought upon myself. I am truly at a loss for what to do or say (which I never run out of things to say...ha!). It's one of those situations that I think no matter what I do or say, it will piss them off. So I pray about this too. When all else fails, pray. Right?
Now for the reason of my blog... When I was 20, one of my best friends was killed in an automobile accident. That is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I will never forget the phone call. Both of her parents were on the phone, and had somehow mustered the strength to tell me themselves. A few days later, her mom called again and asked me to go to her school and help her clean out her dorm room. That day sucked. It was awful. I left that day with a box her mother had given me. I still have the box. Inside there are a few video tapes of us singing karaoke in her living room with her little sister, and generally acting stupid. There is a cassette tape that had been made of us singing. And there are her rosary beads. The day we cleaned her room out, we sat down and watched the videos. I haven't watched them since then. Never will.
To this day, I talk to her mom and sister, Delaney once a month. Sometimes more. Wednesday I had a FaceTime conversation with Delaney. Thursday, her mom called me once again to tell me the news. Delaney had taken her own life. I am still in total shock. How did I miss that? How did I not see her pain? Because I should have. I don't understand. Maybe it isn't for me to understand. But there is tremendous guilt. I should have seen something. Heard something in her voice. Seen something in her face. Something. There is pain because she is gone, and there is pain because I didn't notice anything different.
There is; sometimes, pain in the things we say, how we say them, the things we leave unsaid, the way we treat others, the way we make others feel, and the actions we take. Sometimes the pain is purposeful. Sometimes the pain is very unintentional. Either way, it hurts. And sometimes all we can do is put on a fake smile and keep going. Because God forbid we actually feel....
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
All Roads Lead Home
I find it very fitting that I am sitting here, writing this blog from the comfort of my parents home. My childhood home. The one place that I know I can always return to. My safe haven.
In the last couple of days I have received several messages and phone calls about a FB post...the one about freedom. I have removed the post because I have decided to share my story. Not the whole thing. There are some parts that I choose not to discuss, except for with the remote few I am close to. I will say that the more you get to know me, the more parts I will share. Until then, this is me...This is my story...
I grew up in a very traditional household. My parents have been married for over 43 years. We were raised in church. By all accounts, they did everything right. I made the decision to follow Christ when I was 18 years old. It wasn't until a few years later, that I would find out just how much a persons faith could be tested...how much a family could be tested...and ultimately how much a family can love.
I became engaged in my early 20's, and quickly realized that I was not who God had chosen for this man. With the church booked, dress chosen, and veil bought, the wedding was called off. There was absolutely no third party involved. I just knew God had a better plan for him. This was one of the hardest decisions of my life. My family was by my side the whole time. They not only prayed for me, they prayed he would have peace as well.
A few months after the engagement ended, I met someone at church. I was attending FBC Douglasville at the time. This man seemed to have everything in place. Everything was perfect. Six months into it, the perfection came crumbling down, and the person I was changed forever. At first I noticed little things would set him off (like pasta noodles not being cooked the way he wanted them). To make a very long story short, he left me broken. I was broken emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
People always wonder why people do not get out of certain situations. For me it was about keeping my family safe. I was afraid he would make good on his promises. So I stayed. For 2 years, I stayed. It finally ended on a night when he left me in Dahlonega alone. I had no way home. I was scared and had no idea what to do. I stayed the night in a hotel, and a friend came and picked me up the next morning. She asked me where I wanted to go. My reply? "I want to go Home." I didn't mean to my house. I meant to my family.
By this time, my parents had their suspicions. Especially my mother. I will never forget the look on my moms face when I got home. She knew. We never really discussed it, but over the years some of it has finally come out.
At the time I had so much anger and mistrust. I was angry with God for letting it happen. I didn't trust anyone. Including family. I spent 7 days a week in the gym. If I wasn't at work, that's where I was. I turned my back on everyone, including the Lord. I stopped going to church. Then I met a guy at the gym who invited me to church. He kept bugging me to go to Peachtree Community Church. I finally told him I would go ONE time if he would PLEASE leave me alone. So I went.
I felt the love and grace of God immediately. It was like he was saying "Welcome home child". It was there, sitting in that service that I realized how much I had turned my back on Him. I realized what I had put my family through. I had been pushing them away for months. I wanted to trust them and be with them, but I had become so accustomed to fear, that I wouldn't let myself.
Through all of this, not only did God not turn His back on me... my family didn't either. As the preacher was saying the closing prayer, I knew where I needed to be. Home.
Shortly after that, I met the man I would fall in love with. We had a 3 year relationship. A lot of our time together was beautiful. A lot of it wasn't. He never did anything to physically hurt me. But the relationship ended with me knowing I would never be enough. It ended with me once again going Home.
It took me several years to get over that relationship. But I finally did. I still struggle with self confidence. There are still times where I feel like I am not good enough for certain people. And that's ok. Because God has taken the broken mess that was me, and uses it daily for His good. I am enough for Him, and that's just fine with me.
It was through Him that I faced my fear on Sunday, I came face to face with the man I had spent so long being afraid of. It was through God that I was able to look him dead in the eye, and not be afraid. It was through Him that I found my freedom Sunday. I know now I do not have anything to fear. I am safe in Him.
There are some things that I cannot change. I can't change the fact that safety is a huge deal to me. I can't change the fact that I have heart problems now. I can't change the fact that when the stress gets to be too much I have night terrors ( which, thankfully, are very few and far between now ). But I can use all of that to the glory of God. I can use that to tell my story. My story can give hope to those who have lost theirs.
I have learned that, not only is God's grace more than sufficient and abundant, but so is my family's. I have learned that without that grace, I would be nowhere. I have learned how to love unconditionally. I have learned what it feels like to be loved. I have learned that while I don't have a lot to offer...to the right person, I will be everything. I have learned that no matter which path in life I choose, all roads lead Home.
In the last couple of days I have received several messages and phone calls about a FB post...the one about freedom. I have removed the post because I have decided to share my story. Not the whole thing. There are some parts that I choose not to discuss, except for with the remote few I am close to. I will say that the more you get to know me, the more parts I will share. Until then, this is me...This is my story...
I grew up in a very traditional household. My parents have been married for over 43 years. We were raised in church. By all accounts, they did everything right. I made the decision to follow Christ when I was 18 years old. It wasn't until a few years later, that I would find out just how much a persons faith could be tested...how much a family could be tested...and ultimately how much a family can love.
I became engaged in my early 20's, and quickly realized that I was not who God had chosen for this man. With the church booked, dress chosen, and veil bought, the wedding was called off. There was absolutely no third party involved. I just knew God had a better plan for him. This was one of the hardest decisions of my life. My family was by my side the whole time. They not only prayed for me, they prayed he would have peace as well.
A few months after the engagement ended, I met someone at church. I was attending FBC Douglasville at the time. This man seemed to have everything in place. Everything was perfect. Six months into it, the perfection came crumbling down, and the person I was changed forever. At first I noticed little things would set him off (like pasta noodles not being cooked the way he wanted them). To make a very long story short, he left me broken. I was broken emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
People always wonder why people do not get out of certain situations. For me it was about keeping my family safe. I was afraid he would make good on his promises. So I stayed. For 2 years, I stayed. It finally ended on a night when he left me in Dahlonega alone. I had no way home. I was scared and had no idea what to do. I stayed the night in a hotel, and a friend came and picked me up the next morning. She asked me where I wanted to go. My reply? "I want to go Home." I didn't mean to my house. I meant to my family.
By this time, my parents had their suspicions. Especially my mother. I will never forget the look on my moms face when I got home. She knew. We never really discussed it, but over the years some of it has finally come out.
At the time I had so much anger and mistrust. I was angry with God for letting it happen. I didn't trust anyone. Including family. I spent 7 days a week in the gym. If I wasn't at work, that's where I was. I turned my back on everyone, including the Lord. I stopped going to church. Then I met a guy at the gym who invited me to church. He kept bugging me to go to Peachtree Community Church. I finally told him I would go ONE time if he would PLEASE leave me alone. So I went.
I felt the love and grace of God immediately. It was like he was saying "Welcome home child". It was there, sitting in that service that I realized how much I had turned my back on Him. I realized what I had put my family through. I had been pushing them away for months. I wanted to trust them and be with them, but I had become so accustomed to fear, that I wouldn't let myself.
Through all of this, not only did God not turn His back on me... my family didn't either. As the preacher was saying the closing prayer, I knew where I needed to be. Home.
Shortly after that, I met the man I would fall in love with. We had a 3 year relationship. A lot of our time together was beautiful. A lot of it wasn't. He never did anything to physically hurt me. But the relationship ended with me knowing I would never be enough. It ended with me once again going Home.
It took me several years to get over that relationship. But I finally did. I still struggle with self confidence. There are still times where I feel like I am not good enough for certain people. And that's ok. Because God has taken the broken mess that was me, and uses it daily for His good. I am enough for Him, and that's just fine with me.
It was through Him that I faced my fear on Sunday, I came face to face with the man I had spent so long being afraid of. It was through God that I was able to look him dead in the eye, and not be afraid. It was through Him that I found my freedom Sunday. I know now I do not have anything to fear. I am safe in Him.
There are some things that I cannot change. I can't change the fact that safety is a huge deal to me. I can't change the fact that I have heart problems now. I can't change the fact that when the stress gets to be too much I have night terrors ( which, thankfully, are very few and far between now ). But I can use all of that to the glory of God. I can use that to tell my story. My story can give hope to those who have lost theirs.
I have learned that, not only is God's grace more than sufficient and abundant, but so is my family's. I have learned that without that grace, I would be nowhere. I have learned how to love unconditionally. I have learned what it feels like to be loved. I have learned that while I don't have a lot to offer...to the right person, I will be everything. I have learned that no matter which path in life I choose, all roads lead Home.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Prodigal Daugther Returns...
Today, in church, we discussed the prodigal child. Well, for my family, I was that child. This post is difficult to write, as I am going to share a part of my story. While my story is much bigger than this, this is the most difficult part of it.
In my early twenties I found myself in deep despair. I had ended an engagement to a wonderful man... just not the man God had chosen for me. After that engagement I met Chris. We met at church and things were wonderful. Long story short, that wonderful man began to change. The man who was supposed to love me and protect me did just the opposite. After 2 years, I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. My health had gone down very quickly.
If you think that is bad, just wait... My spiritual life became non-existent. I stopped going to church. I was angry at God and everyone in my life. To keep myself busy and occupied I started going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 3-4 hours. Sometimes longer. I ran 5 miles twice a week (on top of my workout). At the gym I met one of my friends. After several days of getting to know each other he invited me to church.
At first it was just irritating. The it just started to piss me off to be quite frank. I finally broke down and told him that if he would just shut up and leave me alone about it I would go. So that Sunday I found myself sitting at Peachtree Community Church. In the very back row no less. I just didn't want to be there. At all.
Well God was at work. Because every week after that I was in church. While I was there I met the man that I would later fall in love with. He is the only man to this day that I have ever loved. And while it didn't work for whatever reason, he is still someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for (not the romantic kind).
Why? Because during the time we spent together, God used him to show love. He sent this man to me when my life was ugly, messy, and in utter chaos. When most people would have high tailed it in the opposite direction, he was steadfast in showing me the love and grace of Jesus. I learned that Jesus wants me. No matter what I have been through, or what I have done. He is enough for me. I am forgiven. God fully understands how complicated we are. But He doesn't care. He loves us anyways.
I have been thinking (in anticipation of our next series at church) about what Jesus is to me. If I could sum it up in one word, I would say that, to me, Jesus is LOVE. He is forgiveness, grace, second chances, eternity, perfect, alive, all knowing, worthy, patient. He is enough. Jesus is love, and He is mine.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve the grace He showed me during that time. I certainly did not deserve His forgiveness and second chance. But he was there and more than happy to give them to me. Because of this, I try to love others the way that He loves me. Do I fail him? Yes. Every single day there are things that I could have done/should have done differently. But I honestly try to love others and show others the forgiveness and mercy that He has bestowed upon me.
When I was the one who turned my back on Him, He was waiting with open arms to welcome me home. His prodigal daughter had returned. And with Jesus is where she will stay. Forever.
In my early twenties I found myself in deep despair. I had ended an engagement to a wonderful man... just not the man God had chosen for me. After that engagement I met Chris. We met at church and things were wonderful. Long story short, that wonderful man began to change. The man who was supposed to love me and protect me did just the opposite. After 2 years, I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. My health had gone down very quickly.
If you think that is bad, just wait... My spiritual life became non-existent. I stopped going to church. I was angry at God and everyone in my life. To keep myself busy and occupied I started going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 3-4 hours. Sometimes longer. I ran 5 miles twice a week (on top of my workout). At the gym I met one of my friends. After several days of getting to know each other he invited me to church.
At first it was just irritating. The it just started to piss me off to be quite frank. I finally broke down and told him that if he would just shut up and leave me alone about it I would go. So that Sunday I found myself sitting at Peachtree Community Church. In the very back row no less. I just didn't want to be there. At all.
Well God was at work. Because every week after that I was in church. While I was there I met the man that I would later fall in love with. He is the only man to this day that I have ever loved. And while it didn't work for whatever reason, he is still someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for (not the romantic kind).
Why? Because during the time we spent together, God used him to show love. He sent this man to me when my life was ugly, messy, and in utter chaos. When most people would have high tailed it in the opposite direction, he was steadfast in showing me the love and grace of Jesus. I learned that Jesus wants me. No matter what I have been through, or what I have done. He is enough for me. I am forgiven. God fully understands how complicated we are. But He doesn't care. He loves us anyways.
I have been thinking (in anticipation of our next series at church) about what Jesus is to me. If I could sum it up in one word, I would say that, to me, Jesus is LOVE. He is forgiveness, grace, second chances, eternity, perfect, alive, all knowing, worthy, patient. He is enough. Jesus is love, and He is mine.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve the grace He showed me during that time. I certainly did not deserve His forgiveness and second chance. But he was there and more than happy to give them to me. Because of this, I try to love others the way that He loves me. Do I fail him? Yes. Every single day there are things that I could have done/should have done differently. But I honestly try to love others and show others the forgiveness and mercy that He has bestowed upon me.
When I was the one who turned my back on Him, He was waiting with open arms to welcome me home. His prodigal daughter had returned. And with Jesus is where she will stay. Forever.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Sticks And Stones...
The thing that has weighed on my heart the heaviest this week is how damaging our words can be. I'm not sure if people honestly don't realize how damaging our words can be, or if they simply don't care. And how many times do we have to turn the proverbial other cheek in anticipation of the impending second blow. Because there is always a second blow. At least in my experience there is.
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
Monday, January 21, 2013
Having Faith In A Faithless World
I realize that I have not blogged in a while. I have a lot on my mind and I am not quite sure where to start, so here it goes...
Today I have been thinking a lot about faith. I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase". It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see. I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
The truth is, I haven't always had faith. It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls. And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind. I became angry at God. I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate. At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going). I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed. I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move. He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined. That was the day it became clear to me. When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God. I completely gave up. Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side. He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned. The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would. But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy. That overshadows the sadness and sorrow. I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else. Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past. Because that is what has made me who I am today. It is what has gotten me to this point. My starting point.
Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement. I also have a little bit of fear. But where I have fear, I must also have faith. I have to have faith in a faithless world.
Today I have been thinking a lot about faith. I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase". It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see. I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
The truth is, I haven't always had faith. It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls. And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind. I became angry at God. I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate. At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going). I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed. I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move. He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined. That was the day it became clear to me. When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God. I completely gave up. Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side. He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned. The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would. But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy. That overshadows the sadness and sorrow. I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else. Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past. Because that is what has made me who I am today. It is what has gotten me to this point. My starting point.
Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement. I also have a little bit of fear. But where I have fear, I must also have faith. I have to have faith in a faithless world.
Monday, July 16, 2012
My Pursuit Of Solitude...
As you know, I will usually not post anything about politics, religion, or otherwise. Today is an exception...
Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Green (Edge Point Church) preached a very powerful sermon. It was about seeking solitude with God. One of the points he made; and the point that was the most powerful for me, was this: "You should pursue solitude with God, not because He demands it, but because He deserves it." I have to say, I used to be a lot better at this.
The past few months I have not sought out a relationship with God the way that I used to. I used to have time in solitude with God daily. But I found myself surrounded by people and in situations that made me neglect that relationship. The most important relationship of all was ignored because I chose to focus on the one that turned out to be the worst thing for me.
And because of my blatant disobedience I payed the price (as I should have). But thankfully, God has since completely removed the person from my life, and has guided me back onto the path He has chosen for me.
This evening as I was cutting my grass it became so clear to me. For so long, I denied the closeness that He deserves. I made choices that He clearly told me not to. However, once I listened, and He was able to remove the person who brought me down (in more ways than one), He started to show me His ultimate plan for my life.
He brought me closer to my family. He brought me into a church who loves its people. He introduced me to friends who will not only build me up, but will walk with me in my journey through life. And the greatest gift of all, He put the one I am supposed to be with in my life. He showed me how it is supposed to be to share your life with the right person. When I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the dating world anymore, He said... Just wait, I have one made specifically for you. And He did.
I realized this evening, that when we continuously pursue our solitude with God, He will continuously send blessings our way and pour into us, the way we pour into Him. My God is a God of extreme grace. And because of that grace, I am here. Realizing the grace my God has for me, makes me want to do only things He will be proud of. Sure, I know I will fall short every single day. But I also know that in the end, He will pick me up and brush me off. And I will keep on going.
Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Green (Edge Point Church) preached a very powerful sermon. It was about seeking solitude with God. One of the points he made; and the point that was the most powerful for me, was this: "You should pursue solitude with God, not because He demands it, but because He deserves it." I have to say, I used to be a lot better at this.
The past few months I have not sought out a relationship with God the way that I used to. I used to have time in solitude with God daily. But I found myself surrounded by people and in situations that made me neglect that relationship. The most important relationship of all was ignored because I chose to focus on the one that turned out to be the worst thing for me.
And because of my blatant disobedience I payed the price (as I should have). But thankfully, God has since completely removed the person from my life, and has guided me back onto the path He has chosen for me.
This evening as I was cutting my grass it became so clear to me. For so long, I denied the closeness that He deserves. I made choices that He clearly told me not to. However, once I listened, and He was able to remove the person who brought me down (in more ways than one), He started to show me His ultimate plan for my life.
He brought me closer to my family. He brought me into a church who loves its people. He introduced me to friends who will not only build me up, but will walk with me in my journey through life. And the greatest gift of all, He put the one I am supposed to be with in my life. He showed me how it is supposed to be to share your life with the right person. When I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the dating world anymore, He said... Just wait, I have one made specifically for you. And He did.
I realized this evening, that when we continuously pursue our solitude with God, He will continuously send blessings our way and pour into us, the way we pour into Him. My God is a God of extreme grace. And because of that grace, I am here. Realizing the grace my God has for me, makes me want to do only things He will be proud of. Sure, I know I will fall short every single day. But I also know that in the end, He will pick me up and brush me off. And I will keep on going.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Shattered Dreams And Broken Promises...
As we go through life we will encounter dreams that do not come to fruition, and promises that will be broken. How we handle those situations is entirely up to us. We can be a baby about it, run from it, or put on our big girl panties and deal with it. I prefer the latter.
With this being said, no matter how much time passes, or how much older we get... it doesn't get any easier. I choose to surround myself with people who love me, support me, and push me to be the best me I can be. This makes a lot of difference when you watch your dreams shatter around you.
Then, one day you wake up and realize you have different dreams and new promises. And then you realize that the people you have in your life who have made these promises will never break them. Not only will they keep their promises, they will help you build new dreams. Bigger than you could have ever imagined. And that is love.
With this being said, no matter how much time passes, or how much older we get... it doesn't get any easier. I choose to surround myself with people who love me, support me, and push me to be the best me I can be. This makes a lot of difference when you watch your dreams shatter around you.
Then, one day you wake up and realize you have different dreams and new promises. And then you realize that the people you have in your life who have made these promises will never break them. Not only will they keep their promises, they will help you build new dreams. Bigger than you could have ever imagined. And that is love.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Pieces Of Me...
I have been using the past few days to reflect on my life. What I have experienced, what I have yet to experience. What I can't wait to see come to fruition, what I wish I had never been through. And I have found that some of this has surprised me.
I am grateful for every life experience I have had thus far, because; in the end, it has led me to who/where I am today. It has not always been pretty. It has not always been fun. But it has always been real.
I know that I have become numb to certain feelings, and certain things in my life. Some people have said I am a little jaded...I prefer to say realistic. ;) However, as of late, I am wondering if maybe I will be able to come back around and experience these things again...to feel again. And I have to say I really think that I will.
Some of my life experiences I have talked about. Some I have told a select few, and will probably never post about them. Who knows, maybe one day I will be brave enough to do a post about them. But suffice it to say, I had a rough time for a little while.
Trust is a HUGE deal to me. I have been proven time and time again that trust is broken. In the worst ways. I have always known that my happiness can never depend on other people. But when a trust is broken, it so hard to recover. And then you add that trust being broken multiple times by the same person, and then by different people...it sometimes seems that recovery is virtually impossible. People do and say things that you would NEVER imagine them doing or saying. Sometimes they say things they don't mean (as in I love you), and when that happens, that hurts too. Actually that one probably hurts the most. By then, it is just simply too late. When you encounter this several times during the span of several years, you become numb.
So I have been going through life, in a way, numb. And when you least expect it, things begin to happen, and someone comes into your life who shows you that the numbness does not have to be a forever thing. Eventually, without even knowing it, they have started to take the pieces of me and are helping them become whole again. And that feels great. :)
I am grateful for every life experience I have had thus far, because; in the end, it has led me to who/where I am today. It has not always been pretty. It has not always been fun. But it has always been real.
I know that I have become numb to certain feelings, and certain things in my life. Some people have said I am a little jaded...I prefer to say realistic. ;) However, as of late, I am wondering if maybe I will be able to come back around and experience these things again...to feel again. And I have to say I really think that I will.
Some of my life experiences I have talked about. Some I have told a select few, and will probably never post about them. Who knows, maybe one day I will be brave enough to do a post about them. But suffice it to say, I had a rough time for a little while.
Trust is a HUGE deal to me. I have been proven time and time again that trust is broken. In the worst ways. I have always known that my happiness can never depend on other people. But when a trust is broken, it so hard to recover. And then you add that trust being broken multiple times by the same person, and then by different people...it sometimes seems that recovery is virtually impossible. People do and say things that you would NEVER imagine them doing or saying. Sometimes they say things they don't mean (as in I love you), and when that happens, that hurts too. Actually that one probably hurts the most. By then, it is just simply too late. When you encounter this several times during the span of several years, you become numb.
So I have been going through life, in a way, numb. And when you least expect it, things begin to happen, and someone comes into your life who shows you that the numbness does not have to be a forever thing. Eventually, without even knowing it, they have started to take the pieces of me and are helping them become whole again. And that feels great. :)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Throughout All Of The Darkness And Sadness, Soon Comes Happiness...
If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is to not give up. There have been so many times throughout my journey where it would have been soooo much easier to just throw in the towel... wave my white flag. I have been blessed with people who, when I wanted to give up, would not let me. They reminded me of who I am and where I come from.
I may not be the prettiest girl in the world. I don't have a lot to offer. My life is not always beautiful. But everything about me is real. I have never and will never promise to be anything or anyone I'm not.
I have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope to have. I have THE best family anyone could ever ask for. These are the people I choose to surround myself with. These are the people who keep me grounded and in line. They give kindness when needed, and they give a good butt kicking when needed as well. No matter which one the day calls for, they love me at all times.
I have seen people walk in my life, and then turn around and walk right back out. And to them I say "Good riddance." I have had people who have said and done some horrible things to me. To them I say "Thank you." Good riddance and thank you because for all of the darkness and the sadness you brought into my life, I have found ten times the happiness.
The lesson in all of this, is no matter how much darkness and sadness you encounter, don't give up. There is something so much better in store. And that is when you realize that life does not get any better than this.
I may not be the prettiest girl in the world. I don't have a lot to offer. My life is not always beautiful. But everything about me is real. I have never and will never promise to be anything or anyone I'm not.
I have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope to have. I have THE best family anyone could ever ask for. These are the people I choose to surround myself with. These are the people who keep me grounded and in line. They give kindness when needed, and they give a good butt kicking when needed as well. No matter which one the day calls for, they love me at all times.
I have seen people walk in my life, and then turn around and walk right back out. And to them I say "Good riddance." I have had people who have said and done some horrible things to me. To them I say "Thank you." Good riddance and thank you because for all of the darkness and the sadness you brought into my life, I have found ten times the happiness.
The lesson in all of this, is no matter how much darkness and sadness you encounter, don't give up. There is something so much better in store. And that is when you realize that life does not get any better than this.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
This Thing Called Life...
This week I have been reading a book, written by Rebecca St. James, called SHE. Like I have said before, I do not typically discuss religion or politics on my blog. Not that I am against it (quite the opposite), I just don't. However, Rebecca St. James is a Christian recording artist. SHE is a book about empowering women, without the "I am woman, hear me roar" philosophy.
It talks about how to have a happy and healthy existence, regardless of where you are in your walk through this thing called life. There have been several passages in the book that have SCREAMED my name. She talks about self-esteem issues (What? Who me? Low self-esteem? Nooo...), freedom, love, life, intimacy (the depth of your relationships/friendships), and a lot more.
Her book has really hit home for me in a lot of areas. It is like she has written this book just for me. I am finally starting to feel the freedom she talks about. Knowing that I am not defined by my life circumstance. Or at least, I don't have to be. It's my choice. And while, I may have to work hard at it, I can overcome anything. I am capable of love, and being loved. I am uniquely and wonderfully made. I am me, and I am enough. I don't have to conform to what the world thinks of as "beautiful". I mean, let's face it, I will NEVER be supermodel material. And that's ok.
I don't have to settle for anything, just because society says I do. I can live my life the way I am meant to live it. And I can be HAPPY living that life. I have taken the last month or so to work on my emotional healing (for a couple of reasons, I needed to do this). One thing I discovered while doing this is that I had no idea how much I had changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I had no idea how hurt I really was. And not just by one source. The month I took to myself was needed far more than I could have imagined. I am ok with the way things have ended up. Not happy about all of it, but ok. I have come to realize that it is what it is, and I am not the one who can change the situations. They are in the hands of others. The ball is in their court, so to speak. It may stay this way forever, but at least I can live with the fact that I tried my hardest. I hope that one day things change, but until they do I am going to go on with my life and happiness.
I have come to realize the extreme importance of my family and my friends. They are the ones who will reach down and pull you up by your boot straps when you fall. They will surround you with more love, support, and compassion that you deserve. And the people who are true in your life will never ever turn their back on you. No matter how far you fall. No matter how much faith you lose in yourself, they never lose hope. And in the end they are the ones who will help you put the pieces of your life back together again.
And if the circumstances ever do change, I will be here to be that friend for them. They may not need it or want it now. Or ever. But just in case there is a slight chance they do. I will be here. I won't turn my back on them. Ever. I will help them carry the load and put the pieces back together.
It talks about how to have a happy and healthy existence, regardless of where you are in your walk through this thing called life. There have been several passages in the book that have SCREAMED my name. She talks about self-esteem issues (What? Who me? Low self-esteem? Nooo...), freedom, love, life, intimacy (the depth of your relationships/friendships), and a lot more.
Her book has really hit home for me in a lot of areas. It is like she has written this book just for me. I am finally starting to feel the freedom she talks about. Knowing that I am not defined by my life circumstance. Or at least, I don't have to be. It's my choice. And while, I may have to work hard at it, I can overcome anything. I am capable of love, and being loved. I am uniquely and wonderfully made. I am me, and I am enough. I don't have to conform to what the world thinks of as "beautiful". I mean, let's face it, I will NEVER be supermodel material. And that's ok.
I don't have to settle for anything, just because society says I do. I can live my life the way I am meant to live it. And I can be HAPPY living that life. I have taken the last month or so to work on my emotional healing (for a couple of reasons, I needed to do this). One thing I discovered while doing this is that I had no idea how much I had changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I had no idea how hurt I really was. And not just by one source. The month I took to myself was needed far more than I could have imagined. I am ok with the way things have ended up. Not happy about all of it, but ok. I have come to realize that it is what it is, and I am not the one who can change the situations. They are in the hands of others. The ball is in their court, so to speak. It may stay this way forever, but at least I can live with the fact that I tried my hardest. I hope that one day things change, but until they do I am going to go on with my life and happiness.
I have come to realize the extreme importance of my family and my friends. They are the ones who will reach down and pull you up by your boot straps when you fall. They will surround you with more love, support, and compassion that you deserve. And the people who are true in your life will never ever turn their back on you. No matter how far you fall. No matter how much faith you lose in yourself, they never lose hope. And in the end they are the ones who will help you put the pieces of your life back together again.
And if the circumstances ever do change, I will be here to be that friend for them. They may not need it or want it now. Or ever. But just in case there is a slight chance they do. I will be here. I won't turn my back on them. Ever. I will help them carry the load and put the pieces back together.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A Happy Kind Of Sadness...
Lately I have been thinking a lot about my Grandpa (Mom's dad). He passed away in November and I still really miss him. We were like two peas in a pod. Especially when it came to Georgia Tech sports. He was a Tech graduate and planted my love for the team at an early age.
Anyways... I started wondering how long it takes to stop missing someone. And I came up with this... you don't. It gets a little easier with time, but you still miss certain things. You always will. But I guess to completely understand where I am coming from, I guess I need to give you a little background info. You see, my Grandpa and I did not have a "typical" relationship towards the end. I was lucky enough to spend a period of time this summer as his caregiver on the night shift. I helped feed him, give him his meds, take care of personal needs, etc. So he depended on me a lot. What he did not realize was that I was depending on him too. I knew he needed me. And I needed him.
Another thing you should probably know is that until I was in college he never said "I love you." We just knew he did. But he would always tell us to "Be sweet." when it was time for us to leave or hang up the phone. One day it hit me... that was his way of telling us that he loved us. So the next time, I saw him when I was leaving, I just looked him in the eye and said "I sure do love you." He smiled and said "Well, I sure do love you too sugar." I will NEVER forget that. And from that moment on, there was not a time we talked that we didn't tell each other we loved the other.
And since he has been gone, it has made me realize that maybe when other relationships end you will always miss certain things about that person. Maybe not. But at one point, you will more than likely become mature adults and can be civil with each other. Who knows? Maybe you can even be friends. You never know. Because if you can't at least be civil, you may just miss out on one of the best friendships ever.
I wish that he was still here so that I could tell him how much I love him. How much I needed him. Even in the end. I know that he knew. Because I could see it in his eyes. And I know that he loved me too. But I still wish that I could just get the chance to tell him exactly how much. So... Be sweet Granddaddy, and I love you.
Anyways... I started wondering how long it takes to stop missing someone. And I came up with this... you don't. It gets a little easier with time, but you still miss certain things. You always will. But I guess to completely understand where I am coming from, I guess I need to give you a little background info. You see, my Grandpa and I did not have a "typical" relationship towards the end. I was lucky enough to spend a period of time this summer as his caregiver on the night shift. I helped feed him, give him his meds, take care of personal needs, etc. So he depended on me a lot. What he did not realize was that I was depending on him too. I knew he needed me. And I needed him.
Another thing you should probably know is that until I was in college he never said "I love you." We just knew he did. But he would always tell us to "Be sweet." when it was time for us to leave or hang up the phone. One day it hit me... that was his way of telling us that he loved us. So the next time, I saw him when I was leaving, I just looked him in the eye and said "I sure do love you." He smiled and said "Well, I sure do love you too sugar." I will NEVER forget that. And from that moment on, there was not a time we talked that we didn't tell each other we loved the other.
And since he has been gone, it has made me realize that maybe when other relationships end you will always miss certain things about that person. Maybe not. But at one point, you will more than likely become mature adults and can be civil with each other. Who knows? Maybe you can even be friends. You never know. Because if you can't at least be civil, you may just miss out on one of the best friendships ever.
I wish that he was still here so that I could tell him how much I love him. How much I needed him. Even in the end. I know that he knew. Because I could see it in his eyes. And I know that he loved me too. But I still wish that I could just get the chance to tell him exactly how much. So... Be sweet Granddaddy, and I love you.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Randomness That Is My Heart...
This is going to be a completely random post, because I just have a lot on my mind. I apologize in advance...
I have been thinking this morning about what the purpose for my life is. To be completely honest, I have no idea sometimes. I think I know at times what my purpose is, and then I realize that I really don't. And that bothers me. A lot. I know who I am, and I am very comfortable with myself. But I know there is a specific purpose for my life, I just don't know what it is.
I know that we are not always happy with ourselves... We sometimes feel like we are not skinny enough, not outgoing enough, not pretty enough... And God knows that makes us feel not good enough. I have had plenty of people in my life who have made me feel this way... just not good enough. And I am tired of it. So for now on, if someone feels that I am not enough for them, feel free to leave. And don't ever come back. I am not going to let anyone steal my happiness and joy. I've had enough of that, and quite frankly my "give a damn" is busted. It just doesn't exist anymore.
I am not going to go into the logistics of everything on here, but if you want to know anything about me, all you have to do is ask. But to suffice it to say I have been through enough in life. And sometimes it feels like it just won't stop. Why is it we are afraid to talk about how broken we are and how sad we may be? Society puts such a negative connotation on that. It's ok to be sad, to be broken. And sometimes we break to the point we don't know how to get back on our feet. I've been there. Sometimes, I still struggle.
I have had to let go of some things and some people in my life lately that have left me absolutely heartbroken. I know we should never say never...as in don't say these friendships will never be revived. But I have to tell you...I am not holding my breath. Because when it comes down to it, those are the people who have made me feel like I am not enough lately. It makes me sad. I think what makes me the saddest is that I have seen who these people can be. It is like they have given up on themselves. I may not be able to be an active friend or person in their life right now, but I have not given up. And I won't. Because I still care. Sometimes I wish that I could just turn it off and not care about it anymore. But when it comes to them, I can't. I am just not built that way.
I try not to post anything on here or FB about religion or politics, but I do have to say this... I have an amazing group of friends. They have watched me fall to the bottom this year, and have stood beside me and held my hand on my way back up. They never left my side. They have not hesitated. The were steadfast in their love and support. They did not fail me. Even when I failed them. When I failed myself. And I really don't think it is a coincidence that these people were put in my life. I don't think it was good luck either... And I am so thankful that I still have their friendship. It is something I do not ever want to risk or to challenge again.
I know this has been long, and random, and that I have completely rambled. Probably doesn't even make sense. I know how I feel and I am not sure if this portrays that enough, or if I have been able to get it out the way I intended. All I know is I am ready to move forward with my life. I want to know my purpose. Not just know it, but fulfill it to the best of my ability. I am thankful that the "old me" is back and that I did not let certain people steal my joy permanently. Maybe one day they can be a part of my life again. Even a happy part. Because they used to be. And I miss that. I miss them.
I have been thinking this morning about what the purpose for my life is. To be completely honest, I have no idea sometimes. I think I know at times what my purpose is, and then I realize that I really don't. And that bothers me. A lot. I know who I am, and I am very comfortable with myself. But I know there is a specific purpose for my life, I just don't know what it is.
I know that we are not always happy with ourselves... We sometimes feel like we are not skinny enough, not outgoing enough, not pretty enough... And God knows that makes us feel not good enough. I have had plenty of people in my life who have made me feel this way... just not good enough. And I am tired of it. So for now on, if someone feels that I am not enough for them, feel free to leave. And don't ever come back. I am not going to let anyone steal my happiness and joy. I've had enough of that, and quite frankly my "give a damn" is busted. It just doesn't exist anymore.
I am not going to go into the logistics of everything on here, but if you want to know anything about me, all you have to do is ask. But to suffice it to say I have been through enough in life. And sometimes it feels like it just won't stop. Why is it we are afraid to talk about how broken we are and how sad we may be? Society puts such a negative connotation on that. It's ok to be sad, to be broken. And sometimes we break to the point we don't know how to get back on our feet. I've been there. Sometimes, I still struggle.
I have had to let go of some things and some people in my life lately that have left me absolutely heartbroken. I know we should never say never...as in don't say these friendships will never be revived. But I have to tell you...I am not holding my breath. Because when it comes down to it, those are the people who have made me feel like I am not enough lately. It makes me sad. I think what makes me the saddest is that I have seen who these people can be. It is like they have given up on themselves. I may not be able to be an active friend or person in their life right now, but I have not given up. And I won't. Because I still care. Sometimes I wish that I could just turn it off and not care about it anymore. But when it comes to them, I can't. I am just not built that way.
I try not to post anything on here or FB about religion or politics, but I do have to say this... I have an amazing group of friends. They have watched me fall to the bottom this year, and have stood beside me and held my hand on my way back up. They never left my side. They have not hesitated. The were steadfast in their love and support. They did not fail me. Even when I failed them. When I failed myself. And I really don't think it is a coincidence that these people were put in my life. I don't think it was good luck either... And I am so thankful that I still have their friendship. It is something I do not ever want to risk or to challenge again.
I know this has been long, and random, and that I have completely rambled. Probably doesn't even make sense. I know how I feel and I am not sure if this portrays that enough, or if I have been able to get it out the way I intended. All I know is I am ready to move forward with my life. I want to know my purpose. Not just know it, but fulfill it to the best of my ability. I am thankful that the "old me" is back and that I did not let certain people steal my joy permanently. Maybe one day they can be a part of my life again. Even a happy part. Because they used to be. And I miss that. I miss them.
Monday, April 9, 2012
When A Heart Breaks, It Never Breaks Even...
There is sadness, and then there is heartbreaking sadness. I have learned in life that it doesn't have to be a significant other to break your heart. Friends can too. And what happens when someone first breaks your heart as a significant other, (remains one of your very best friends), and then breaks your heart as your friend? Pure misery. That's what.
I am at a complete loss for words. I have always tried to hold true to the mantra "Do unto others...". People do not always treat you with respect in return. And usually I don't care...I don't let it get to me. But I care this time. Not something I am used to. It's an unbelievable sadness. I feel lost. The loss of our friendship is what hurts the most. Not the way I have been treated or talked to. Don't get me wrong...that hurts too. But it's the loss of our friendship that hurts the most. Knowing I can't simply pick up the phone to share good news, or having someone there to tell me things are going to be ok. Not having late night conversations after work, whether they are in person, or via phone. Having someone in your life who has seen you at your absolute worst, and knowing their secrets too. But even more than that is the not judging each other for these things. Having someone who FINALLY chased the nightmares away. These are the things I miss the most.
I know that time heals all pain. But right now it still makes me incredibly sad. I know with time I will pick the pieces up and put them all together again. I will rise and go forward. Because in the end, it's what I do... no matter how hard it is. It's just that everyone knows when a heart breaks, it never breaks even...
I am at a complete loss for words. I have always tried to hold true to the mantra "Do unto others...". People do not always treat you with respect in return. And usually I don't care...I don't let it get to me. But I care this time. Not something I am used to. It's an unbelievable sadness. I feel lost. The loss of our friendship is what hurts the most. Not the way I have been treated or talked to. Don't get me wrong...that hurts too. But it's the loss of our friendship that hurts the most. Knowing I can't simply pick up the phone to share good news, or having someone there to tell me things are going to be ok. Not having late night conversations after work, whether they are in person, or via phone. Having someone in your life who has seen you at your absolute worst, and knowing their secrets too. But even more than that is the not judging each other for these things. Having someone who FINALLY chased the nightmares away. These are the things I miss the most.
I know that time heals all pain. But right now it still makes me incredibly sad. I know with time I will pick the pieces up and put them all together again. I will rise and go forward. Because in the end, it's what I do... no matter how hard it is. It's just that everyone knows when a heart breaks, it never breaks even...
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Life Lessons Part Three
When does enough finally become enough? How long can you try to be there for someone and try to have a friendship with someone who, quite frankly, just doesn't care? I wish I knew the answer. I am one of those people you can knock down time and time again, and I will keep coming back for more. I guess I'm just stupid.
They say that you can only try for so long before you just give up and walk away. I guess I haven't gotten to that point yet. Maybe they have. Maybe this is one of those things I am not meant to understand. Maybe I am just always going to be there for that person no matter what. Because I am the type of friend who never turns their back on someone. Loyal. Even when it hurts. Even when it is breaking your heart.
Life Lesson Part Three: Never give up. Even if they never come around... always be there for them just in case they do.
They say that you can only try for so long before you just give up and walk away. I guess I haven't gotten to that point yet. Maybe they have. Maybe this is one of those things I am not meant to understand. Maybe I am just always going to be there for that person no matter what. Because I am the type of friend who never turns their back on someone. Loyal. Even when it hurts. Even when it is breaking your heart.
Life Lesson Part Three: Never give up. Even if they never come around... always be there for them just in case they do.
Friday, February 10, 2012
LIfe Lessons Part Two
So lately (as in the past couple of weeks) I have learned that life can throw you a sick curve ball. You think you are prepared for certain things, and then something that you TOTALLY were not expecting happens. I am usually pretty good at playing the cards I am dealt. But this time, not so much.
Fear has a funny way of grabbing you and holding on for dear life. Especially when it is something you are not really used to feeling. Normally I am not rattled easily. But I have to admit...this has me completely freaked out. I'm sure I am not the first person (or the last) who will ever experience this. However, when you are in the midst of it, it sure feels like you are alone.
One thing is for sure...you find out who is truly your friend. Throughout this experience, I have learned that certain people I thought were friends, really aren't. Yet, I have also discovered that certain people I thought could care less, might actually care. A little...
One more thing is for certain...I have an AMAZING family. The love they have for me is incredible. It is unconditional. It is forever. I find myself, at times, frustrated. Not really with them, but with myself. However, it is taken out on them...and they still remain steadfast by my side. Even when I least deserve it.
So life lesson number two...there are very few people who will show you unconditional love. But when you find it, grab it and hold on for dear life...
Fear has a funny way of grabbing you and holding on for dear life. Especially when it is something you are not really used to feeling. Normally I am not rattled easily. But I have to admit...this has me completely freaked out. I'm sure I am not the first person (or the last) who will ever experience this. However, when you are in the midst of it, it sure feels like you are alone.
One thing is for sure...you find out who is truly your friend. Throughout this experience, I have learned that certain people I thought were friends, really aren't. Yet, I have also discovered that certain people I thought could care less, might actually care. A little...
One more thing is for certain...I have an AMAZING family. The love they have for me is incredible. It is unconditional. It is forever. I find myself, at times, frustrated. Not really with them, but with myself. However, it is taken out on them...and they still remain steadfast by my side. Even when I least deserve it.
So life lesson number two...there are very few people who will show you unconditional love. But when you find it, grab it and hold on for dear life...
Saturday, January 14, 2012
More Than All The Stars In The Sky...
Friendship. It is a powerful, beautiful, delicate, and sometimes painful thing. True friends are like family. Sometimes you cherish some friends more than you do some family...at least I do. I realize how horrible that sounds, but it's the truth. I should clarify this by saying I am not talking about my immediate family. They are hands down the MOST important people in my life. Ever.
When things happen that test the strength of your friendships, you find out exactly how much that person means to you. You realize what that relationship is made of...or what it's not. Recently I have had a couple of friendships tested. (One not really tested...it was more of a fallout from what happened with the other person...) Both of these people are very special to me, and I can't imagine my life without them in it.
I have come to see that no matter what the one person does or says, I will always be here. I have always said that. But now I can honestly say that I have now found out how true that statement is. Good and bad, happy and sad...I will still be here. That's what you do when you care about someone. And I care. Some people may not understand why or how...but that is ok. It is not meant for them to understand. I just do, and that is all that matters. Because when it comes to these friendships, I love them more than all the stars in the sky. I always will.
When things happen that test the strength of your friendships, you find out exactly how much that person means to you. You realize what that relationship is made of...or what it's not. Recently I have had a couple of friendships tested. (One not really tested...it was more of a fallout from what happened with the other person...) Both of these people are very special to me, and I can't imagine my life without them in it.
I have come to see that no matter what the one person does or says, I will always be here. I have always said that. But now I can honestly say that I have now found out how true that statement is. Good and bad, happy and sad...I will still be here. That's what you do when you care about someone. And I care. Some people may not understand why or how...but that is ok. It is not meant for them to understand. I just do, and that is all that matters. Because when it comes to these friendships, I love them more than all the stars in the sky. I always will.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Ties That Bind
Have you ever thought about the people in your life (friends, family, significant other, acquaintances, etc.) and wondered "Why in the world do I even try to make this relationship work?" I have. I have wondered that about family, friends, and my significant other. Not that I'm proud of that fact. I'm not. It's just the truth. I try to be a good person to everyone in my life, but I have found myself, on occasion, giving up. Not caring anymore...and for me, that does not happen often.
I realize that every relationship has some sort of ties that bind us to that other person. Some of them may be relatively small, while others are huge. Some are things that everyone knows about, and others remain a painful (or sometimes wonderful) secret between you and that person. Whatever the case, when you are breaking the ties in that relationship it's painful. Which brings me to my next question..."If it causes so much pain, why do we delay the inevitable?" Is it because we are scared of the loss, or is it because we like the pain? I think it may be a little of both. And maybe because we feel like we deserve the pain that it brings.
I think for me it is because I feel like I deserve it, and for some reason, I like the pain a little. Maybe because the pain reminds me that life is too short to be unhappy. It lights a fire so to speak. I honestly have no idea.
Whatever the reason, I know there are some ties that need to be broken, no matter how much I feel bound by them. As the saying goes, "Sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest way of saying I love you." I think it is time for some goodbyes in my life...
I realize that every relationship has some sort of ties that bind us to that other person. Some of them may be relatively small, while others are huge. Some are things that everyone knows about, and others remain a painful (or sometimes wonderful) secret between you and that person. Whatever the case, when you are breaking the ties in that relationship it's painful. Which brings me to my next question..."If it causes so much pain, why do we delay the inevitable?" Is it because we are scared of the loss, or is it because we like the pain? I think it may be a little of both. And maybe because we feel like we deserve the pain that it brings.
I think for me it is because I feel like I deserve it, and for some reason, I like the pain a little. Maybe because the pain reminds me that life is too short to be unhappy. It lights a fire so to speak. I honestly have no idea.
Whatever the reason, I know there are some ties that need to be broken, no matter how much I feel bound by them. As the saying goes, "Sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest way of saying I love you." I think it is time for some goodbyes in my life...
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Life Lessons Part One
So the past few days have been absolutely horrible. That being said, I have learned a lot of life lessons...painful ones to be quite honest. Why is it that it often takes something bad or tragic to teach us such lessons? The events of the past few days, yesterday in particular, have made me do a lot of thinking and soul searching. I have come to the conclusion that there are changes that need to occur in my life right now.
Some of the changes are minor, while others are not. Some will hurt, and others will not. All of these changes will be for the better though. I recognize now that there are certain things about myself that I am not happy with. For example: The way I deal with stress. I go about that completely wrong. While I am comfortable in my own skin, I am not a talker. (Insert sarcastic comment here...I talk, ALOT...just not about things that cause stress in my life.) I have this bad tendency to hold it all in. Eventually I reach my breaking point, as we all do. However, when I get to that point, things tend to get bad. Self- destructive if you will. That stops NOW. Never again. Why? Because it almost cost me one of the friendships I hold dearest to my heart.
Another change that needs to happen? The restoration of friendships that have gone wayward. This bothers me. I mean, I should really get the Friend of The Year award. I have neglected friends and family recently, and there is really no excuse for that. I have always tried to surround myself with people I love and who love me. But there are a couple right now who just bring me down. That stops too. Cutting ties. I am going to start loving the friends that I have been so wrong for neglecting.
I have simply not been myself lately and I hate who I have become. I have always been a pretty simple person. But it seems that my life has gotten a little complicated lately. Thus leaving me feeling a complicated simpleness...I am ready to get back to just being simple. I am ready to get back to me. So, here goes nothing...:)
Some of the changes are minor, while others are not. Some will hurt, and others will not. All of these changes will be for the better though. I recognize now that there are certain things about myself that I am not happy with. For example: The way I deal with stress. I go about that completely wrong. While I am comfortable in my own skin, I am not a talker. (Insert sarcastic comment here...I talk, ALOT...just not about things that cause stress in my life.) I have this bad tendency to hold it all in. Eventually I reach my breaking point, as we all do. However, when I get to that point, things tend to get bad. Self- destructive if you will. That stops NOW. Never again. Why? Because it almost cost me one of the friendships I hold dearest to my heart.
Another change that needs to happen? The restoration of friendships that have gone wayward. This bothers me. I mean, I should really get the Friend of The Year award. I have neglected friends and family recently, and there is really no excuse for that. I have always tried to surround myself with people I love and who love me. But there are a couple right now who just bring me down. That stops too. Cutting ties. I am going to start loving the friends that I have been so wrong for neglecting.
I have simply not been myself lately and I hate who I have become. I have always been a pretty simple person. But it seems that my life has gotten a little complicated lately. Thus leaving me feeling a complicated simpleness...I am ready to get back to just being simple. I am ready to get back to me. So, here goes nothing...:)
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