Today, in church, we discussed the prodigal child. Well, for my family, I was that child. This post is difficult to write, as I am going to share a part of my story. While my story is much bigger than this, this is the most difficult part of it.
In my early twenties I found myself in deep despair. I had ended an engagement to a wonderful man... just not the man God had chosen for me. After that engagement I met Chris. We met at church and things were wonderful. Long story short, that wonderful man began to change. The man who was supposed to love me and protect me did just the opposite. After 2 years, I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. My health had gone down very quickly.
If you think that is bad, just wait... My spiritual life became non-existent. I stopped going to church. I was angry at God and everyone in my life. To keep myself busy and occupied I started going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 3-4 hours. Sometimes longer. I ran 5 miles twice a week (on top of my workout). At the gym I met one of my friends. After several days of getting to know each other he invited me to church.
At first it was just irritating. The it just started to piss me off to be quite frank. I finally broke down and told him that if he would just shut up and leave me alone about it I would go. So that Sunday I found myself sitting at Peachtree Community Church. In the very back row no less. I just didn't want to be there. At all.
Well God was at work. Because every week after that I was in church. While I was there I met the man that I would later fall in love with. He is the only man to this day that I have ever loved. And while it didn't work for whatever reason, he is still someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for (not the romantic kind).
Why? Because during the time we spent together, God used him to show love. He sent this man to me when my life was ugly, messy, and in utter chaos. When most people would have high tailed it in the opposite direction, he was steadfast in showing me the love and grace of Jesus. I learned that Jesus wants me. No matter what I have been through, or what I have done. He is enough for me. I am forgiven. God fully understands how complicated we are. But He doesn't care. He loves us anyways.
I have been thinking (in anticipation of our next series at church) about what Jesus is to me. If I could sum it up in one word, I would say that, to me, Jesus is LOVE. He is forgiveness, grace, second chances, eternity, perfect, alive, all knowing, worthy, patient. He is enough. Jesus is love, and He is mine.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve the grace He showed me during that time. I certainly did not deserve His forgiveness and second chance. But he was there and more than happy to give them to me. Because of this, I try to love others the way that He loves me. Do I fail him? Yes. Every single day there are things that I could have done/should have done differently. But I honestly try to love others and show others the forgiveness and mercy that He has bestowed upon me.
When I was the one who turned my back on Him, He was waiting with open arms to welcome me home. His prodigal daughter had returned. And with Jesus is where she will stay. Forever.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Sticks And Stones...
The thing that has weighed on my heart the heaviest this week is how damaging our words can be. I'm not sure if people honestly don't realize how damaging our words can be, or if they simply don't care. And how many times do we have to turn the proverbial other cheek in anticipation of the impending second blow. Because there is always a second blow. At least in my experience there is.
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
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