This week I have been reading a book, written by Rebecca St. James, called SHE. Like I have said before, I do not typically discuss religion or politics on my blog. Not that I am against it (quite the opposite), I just don't. However, Rebecca St. James is a Christian recording artist. SHE is a book about empowering women, without the "I am woman, hear me roar" philosophy.
It talks about how to have a happy and healthy existence, regardless of where you are in your walk through this thing called life. There have been several passages in the book that have SCREAMED my name. She talks about self-esteem issues (What? Who me? Low self-esteem? Nooo...), freedom, love, life, intimacy (the depth of your relationships/friendships), and a lot more.
Her book has really hit home for me in a lot of areas. It is like she has written this book just for me. I am finally starting to feel the freedom she talks about. Knowing that I am not defined by my life circumstance. Or at least, I don't have to be. It's my choice. And while, I may have to work hard at it, I can overcome anything. I am capable of love, and being loved. I am uniquely and wonderfully made. I am me, and I am enough. I don't have to conform to what the world thinks of as "beautiful". I mean, let's face it, I will NEVER be supermodel material. And that's ok.
I don't have to settle for anything, just because society says I do. I can live my life the way I am meant to live it. And I can be HAPPY living that life. I have taken the last month or so to work on my emotional healing (for a couple of reasons, I needed to do this). One thing I discovered while doing this is that I had no idea how much I had changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I had no idea how hurt I really was. And not just by one source. The month I took to myself was needed far more than I could have imagined. I am ok with the way things have ended up. Not happy about all of it, but ok. I have come to realize that it is what it is, and I am not the one who can change the situations. They are in the hands of others. The ball is in their court, so to speak. It may stay this way forever, but at least I can live with the fact that I tried my hardest. I hope that one day things change, but until they do I am going to go on with my life and happiness.
I have come to realize the extreme importance of my family and my friends. They are the ones who will reach down and pull you up by your boot straps when you fall. They will surround you with more love, support, and compassion that you deserve. And the people who are true in your life will never ever turn their back on you. No matter how far you fall. No matter how much faith you lose in yourself, they never lose hope. And in the end they are the ones who will help you put the pieces of your life back together again.
And if the circumstances ever do change, I will be here to be that friend for them. They may not need it or want it now. Or ever. But just in case there is a slight chance they do. I will be here. I won't turn my back on them. Ever. I will help them carry the load and put the pieces back together.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A Happy Kind Of Sadness...
Lately I have been thinking a lot about my Grandpa (Mom's dad). He passed away in November and I still really miss him. We were like two peas in a pod. Especially when it came to Georgia Tech sports. He was a Tech graduate and planted my love for the team at an early age.
Anyways... I started wondering how long it takes to stop missing someone. And I came up with this... you don't. It gets a little easier with time, but you still miss certain things. You always will. But I guess to completely understand where I am coming from, I guess I need to give you a little background info. You see, my Grandpa and I did not have a "typical" relationship towards the end. I was lucky enough to spend a period of time this summer as his caregiver on the night shift. I helped feed him, give him his meds, take care of personal needs, etc. So he depended on me a lot. What he did not realize was that I was depending on him too. I knew he needed me. And I needed him.
Another thing you should probably know is that until I was in college he never said "I love you." We just knew he did. But he would always tell us to "Be sweet." when it was time for us to leave or hang up the phone. One day it hit me... that was his way of telling us that he loved us. So the next time, I saw him when I was leaving, I just looked him in the eye and said "I sure do love you." He smiled and said "Well, I sure do love you too sugar." I will NEVER forget that. And from that moment on, there was not a time we talked that we didn't tell each other we loved the other.
And since he has been gone, it has made me realize that maybe when other relationships end you will always miss certain things about that person. Maybe not. But at one point, you will more than likely become mature adults and can be civil with each other. Who knows? Maybe you can even be friends. You never know. Because if you can't at least be civil, you may just miss out on one of the best friendships ever.
I wish that he was still here so that I could tell him how much I love him. How much I needed him. Even in the end. I know that he knew. Because I could see it in his eyes. And I know that he loved me too. But I still wish that I could just get the chance to tell him exactly how much. So... Be sweet Granddaddy, and I love you.
Anyways... I started wondering how long it takes to stop missing someone. And I came up with this... you don't. It gets a little easier with time, but you still miss certain things. You always will. But I guess to completely understand where I am coming from, I guess I need to give you a little background info. You see, my Grandpa and I did not have a "typical" relationship towards the end. I was lucky enough to spend a period of time this summer as his caregiver on the night shift. I helped feed him, give him his meds, take care of personal needs, etc. So he depended on me a lot. What he did not realize was that I was depending on him too. I knew he needed me. And I needed him.
Another thing you should probably know is that until I was in college he never said "I love you." We just knew he did. But he would always tell us to "Be sweet." when it was time for us to leave or hang up the phone. One day it hit me... that was his way of telling us that he loved us. So the next time, I saw him when I was leaving, I just looked him in the eye and said "I sure do love you." He smiled and said "Well, I sure do love you too sugar." I will NEVER forget that. And from that moment on, there was not a time we talked that we didn't tell each other we loved the other.
And since he has been gone, it has made me realize that maybe when other relationships end you will always miss certain things about that person. Maybe not. But at one point, you will more than likely become mature adults and can be civil with each other. Who knows? Maybe you can even be friends. You never know. Because if you can't at least be civil, you may just miss out on one of the best friendships ever.
I wish that he was still here so that I could tell him how much I love him. How much I needed him. Even in the end. I know that he knew. Because I could see it in his eyes. And I know that he loved me too. But I still wish that I could just get the chance to tell him exactly how much. So... Be sweet Granddaddy, and I love you.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Randomness That Is My Heart...
This is going to be a completely random post, because I just have a lot on my mind. I apologize in advance...
I have been thinking this morning about what the purpose for my life is. To be completely honest, I have no idea sometimes. I think I know at times what my purpose is, and then I realize that I really don't. And that bothers me. A lot. I know who I am, and I am very comfortable with myself. But I know there is a specific purpose for my life, I just don't know what it is.
I know that we are not always happy with ourselves... We sometimes feel like we are not skinny enough, not outgoing enough, not pretty enough... And God knows that makes us feel not good enough. I have had plenty of people in my life who have made me feel this way... just not good enough. And I am tired of it. So for now on, if someone feels that I am not enough for them, feel free to leave. And don't ever come back. I am not going to let anyone steal my happiness and joy. I've had enough of that, and quite frankly my "give a damn" is busted. It just doesn't exist anymore.
I am not going to go into the logistics of everything on here, but if you want to know anything about me, all you have to do is ask. But to suffice it to say I have been through enough in life. And sometimes it feels like it just won't stop. Why is it we are afraid to talk about how broken we are and how sad we may be? Society puts such a negative connotation on that. It's ok to be sad, to be broken. And sometimes we break to the point we don't know how to get back on our feet. I've been there. Sometimes, I still struggle.
I have had to let go of some things and some people in my life lately that have left me absolutely heartbroken. I know we should never say never...as in don't say these friendships will never be revived. But I have to tell you...I am not holding my breath. Because when it comes down to it, those are the people who have made me feel like I am not enough lately. It makes me sad. I think what makes me the saddest is that I have seen who these people can be. It is like they have given up on themselves. I may not be able to be an active friend or person in their life right now, but I have not given up. And I won't. Because I still care. Sometimes I wish that I could just turn it off and not care about it anymore. But when it comes to them, I can't. I am just not built that way.
I try not to post anything on here or FB about religion or politics, but I do have to say this... I have an amazing group of friends. They have watched me fall to the bottom this year, and have stood beside me and held my hand on my way back up. They never left my side. They have not hesitated. The were steadfast in their love and support. They did not fail me. Even when I failed them. When I failed myself. And I really don't think it is a coincidence that these people were put in my life. I don't think it was good luck either... And I am so thankful that I still have their friendship. It is something I do not ever want to risk or to challenge again.
I know this has been long, and random, and that I have completely rambled. Probably doesn't even make sense. I know how I feel and I am not sure if this portrays that enough, or if I have been able to get it out the way I intended. All I know is I am ready to move forward with my life. I want to know my purpose. Not just know it, but fulfill it to the best of my ability. I am thankful that the "old me" is back and that I did not let certain people steal my joy permanently. Maybe one day they can be a part of my life again. Even a happy part. Because they used to be. And I miss that. I miss them.
I have been thinking this morning about what the purpose for my life is. To be completely honest, I have no idea sometimes. I think I know at times what my purpose is, and then I realize that I really don't. And that bothers me. A lot. I know who I am, and I am very comfortable with myself. But I know there is a specific purpose for my life, I just don't know what it is.
I know that we are not always happy with ourselves... We sometimes feel like we are not skinny enough, not outgoing enough, not pretty enough... And God knows that makes us feel not good enough. I have had plenty of people in my life who have made me feel this way... just not good enough. And I am tired of it. So for now on, if someone feels that I am not enough for them, feel free to leave. And don't ever come back. I am not going to let anyone steal my happiness and joy. I've had enough of that, and quite frankly my "give a damn" is busted. It just doesn't exist anymore.
I am not going to go into the logistics of everything on here, but if you want to know anything about me, all you have to do is ask. But to suffice it to say I have been through enough in life. And sometimes it feels like it just won't stop. Why is it we are afraid to talk about how broken we are and how sad we may be? Society puts such a negative connotation on that. It's ok to be sad, to be broken. And sometimes we break to the point we don't know how to get back on our feet. I've been there. Sometimes, I still struggle.
I have had to let go of some things and some people in my life lately that have left me absolutely heartbroken. I know we should never say never...as in don't say these friendships will never be revived. But I have to tell you...I am not holding my breath. Because when it comes down to it, those are the people who have made me feel like I am not enough lately. It makes me sad. I think what makes me the saddest is that I have seen who these people can be. It is like they have given up on themselves. I may not be able to be an active friend or person in their life right now, but I have not given up. And I won't. Because I still care. Sometimes I wish that I could just turn it off and not care about it anymore. But when it comes to them, I can't. I am just not built that way.
I try not to post anything on here or FB about religion or politics, but I do have to say this... I have an amazing group of friends. They have watched me fall to the bottom this year, and have stood beside me and held my hand on my way back up. They never left my side. They have not hesitated. The were steadfast in their love and support. They did not fail me. Even when I failed them. When I failed myself. And I really don't think it is a coincidence that these people were put in my life. I don't think it was good luck either... And I am so thankful that I still have their friendship. It is something I do not ever want to risk or to challenge again.
I know this has been long, and random, and that I have completely rambled. Probably doesn't even make sense. I know how I feel and I am not sure if this portrays that enough, or if I have been able to get it out the way I intended. All I know is I am ready to move forward with my life. I want to know my purpose. Not just know it, but fulfill it to the best of my ability. I am thankful that the "old me" is back and that I did not let certain people steal my joy permanently. Maybe one day they can be a part of my life again. Even a happy part. Because they used to be. And I miss that. I miss them.
Monday, April 9, 2012
When A Heart Breaks, It Never Breaks Even...
There is sadness, and then there is heartbreaking sadness. I have learned in life that it doesn't have to be a significant other to break your heart. Friends can too. And what happens when someone first breaks your heart as a significant other, (remains one of your very best friends), and then breaks your heart as your friend? Pure misery. That's what.
I am at a complete loss for words. I have always tried to hold true to the mantra "Do unto others...". People do not always treat you with respect in return. And usually I don't care...I don't let it get to me. But I care this time. Not something I am used to. It's an unbelievable sadness. I feel lost. The loss of our friendship is what hurts the most. Not the way I have been treated or talked to. Don't get me wrong...that hurts too. But it's the loss of our friendship that hurts the most. Knowing I can't simply pick up the phone to share good news, or having someone there to tell me things are going to be ok. Not having late night conversations after work, whether they are in person, or via phone. Having someone in your life who has seen you at your absolute worst, and knowing their secrets too. But even more than that is the not judging each other for these things. Having someone who FINALLY chased the nightmares away. These are the things I miss the most.
I know that time heals all pain. But right now it still makes me incredibly sad. I know with time I will pick the pieces up and put them all together again. I will rise and go forward. Because in the end, it's what I do... no matter how hard it is. It's just that everyone knows when a heart breaks, it never breaks even...
I am at a complete loss for words. I have always tried to hold true to the mantra "Do unto others...". People do not always treat you with respect in return. And usually I don't care...I don't let it get to me. But I care this time. Not something I am used to. It's an unbelievable sadness. I feel lost. The loss of our friendship is what hurts the most. Not the way I have been treated or talked to. Don't get me wrong...that hurts too. But it's the loss of our friendship that hurts the most. Knowing I can't simply pick up the phone to share good news, or having someone there to tell me things are going to be ok. Not having late night conversations after work, whether they are in person, or via phone. Having someone in your life who has seen you at your absolute worst, and knowing their secrets too. But even more than that is the not judging each other for these things. Having someone who FINALLY chased the nightmares away. These are the things I miss the most.
I know that time heals all pain. But right now it still makes me incredibly sad. I know with time I will pick the pieces up and put them all together again. I will rise and go forward. Because in the end, it's what I do... no matter how hard it is. It's just that everyone knows when a heart breaks, it never breaks even...
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