All Roads Lead Home

   I find it very fitting that I am sitting here, writing this blog from the comfort of my parents home.  My childhood home.  The one place that I know I can always return to.  My safe haven.
   In the last couple of days I have received several messages and phone calls about a FB post...the one about freedom.  I have removed the post because I have decided to share my story.  Not the whole thing.  There are some parts that I choose not to discuss, except for with the remote few I am close to.  I will say that the more you get to know me, the more parts I will share.  Until then, this is me...This is my story...
   I grew up in a very traditional household.  My parents have been married for over 43 years.  We were raised in church.  By all accounts, they did everything right.  I made the decision to follow Christ when I was 18 years old.  It wasn't until a few years later, that I would find out just how much a persons faith could be tested...how much a family could be tested...and ultimately how much a family can love.
   I became engaged in my early 20's, and quickly realized that I was not who God had chosen for this man.  With the church booked, dress chosen, and veil bought, the wedding was called off.  There was absolutely no third party involved.  I just knew God had a better plan for him.  This was one of the hardest decisions of my life.  My family was by my side the whole time.  They not only prayed for me, they prayed he would have peace as well.
   A few months after the engagement ended, I met someone at church.  I was attending FBC Douglasville at the time.  This man seemed to have everything in place.  Everything was perfect.  Six months into it, the perfection came crumbling down, and the person I was changed forever.  At first I noticed little things would set him off (like pasta noodles not being cooked the way he wanted them).  To make a very long story short, he left me broken.  I was broken emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
   People always wonder why people do not get out of certain situations.  For me it was about keeping my family safe.  I was afraid he would make good on his promises.  So I stayed.  For 2 years, I stayed.  It finally ended on a night when he left me in Dahlonega alone.  I had no way home.  I was scared and had no idea what to do.  I stayed the night in a hotel, and a friend came and picked me up the next morning.  She asked me where I wanted to go.  My reply?  "I want to go Home."  I didn't mean to my house.  I meant to my family.
   By this time, my parents had their suspicions.  Especially my mother.  I will never forget the look on my moms face when I got home.  She knew.  We never really discussed it, but over the years some of it has finally come out.
   At the time I had so much anger and mistrust.  I was angry with God for letting it happen.  I didn't trust anyone.  Including family.  I spent 7 days a week in the gym.  If I wasn't at work, that's where I was.  I turned my back on everyone, including the Lord.  I stopped going to church.  Then I met a guy at the gym who invited me to church.  He kept bugging me to go to Peachtree Community Church.  I finally told him I would go ONE time if he would PLEASE leave me alone.  So I went.
   I felt the love and grace of God immediately.  It was like he was saying "Welcome home child".  It was there, sitting in that service that I realized how much I had turned my back on Him.  I realized what I had put my family through.  I had been pushing them away for months.  I wanted to trust them and be with them, but I had become so accustomed to fear, that I wouldn't let myself.
   Through all of this, not only did God not turn His back on me... my family didn't either.  As the preacher was saying the closing prayer, I knew where I needed to be.  Home.
   Shortly after that, I met the man I would fall in love with.  We had a 3 year relationship.  A lot of our time together was beautiful.  A lot of it wasn't.  He never did anything to physically hurt me.  But the relationship ended with me knowing I would never be enough.  It ended with me once again going Home.
   It took me several years to get over that relationship.  But I finally did.  I still struggle with self confidence.  There are still times where I feel like I am not good enough for certain people.  And that's ok.  Because God has taken the broken mess that was me, and uses it daily for His good.  I am enough for Him, and that's just fine with me.
   It was through Him that I faced my fear on Sunday,  I came face to face with the man I had spent so long being afraid of.  It was through God that I was able to look him dead in the eye, and not be afraid.  It was through Him that I found my freedom Sunday.  I know now I do not have anything to fear.  I am safe in Him.
   There are some things that I cannot change.  I can't change the fact that safety is a huge deal to me.  I can't change the fact that I have heart problems now.  I can't change the fact that when the stress gets to be too much I have night terrors ( which, thankfully, are very few and far between now ).  But I can use all of that to the glory of God.  I can use that to tell my story.  My story can give hope to those who have lost theirs. 
   I have learned that, not only is God's grace more than sufficient and abundant, but so is my family's.  I have learned that without that grace, I would be nowhere.  I have learned how to love unconditionally.  I have learned what it feels like to be loved.  I have learned that while I don't have a lot to offer...to the right person, I will be everything.  I have learned that no matter which path in life I choose, all roads lead Home.