This is going to be a completely random post, because I just have a lot on my mind. I apologize in advance...
I have been thinking this morning about what the purpose for my life is. To be completely honest, I have no idea sometimes. I think I know at times what my purpose is, and then I realize that I really don't. And that bothers me. A lot. I know who I am, and I am very comfortable with myself. But I know there is a specific purpose for my life, I just don't know what it is.
I know that we are not always happy with ourselves... We sometimes feel like we are not skinny enough, not outgoing enough, not pretty enough... And God knows that makes us feel not good enough. I have had plenty of people in my life who have made me feel this way... just not good enough. And I am tired of it. So for now on, if someone feels that I am not enough for them, feel free to leave. And don't ever come back. I am not going to let anyone steal my happiness and joy. I've had enough of that, and quite frankly my "give a damn" is busted. It just doesn't exist anymore.
I am not going to go into the logistics of everything on here, but if you want to know anything about me, all you have to do is ask. But to suffice it to say I have been through enough in life. And sometimes it feels like it just won't stop. Why is it we are afraid to talk about how broken we are and how sad we may be? Society puts such a negative connotation on that. It's ok to be sad, to be broken. And sometimes we break to the point we don't know how to get back on our feet. I've been there. Sometimes, I still struggle.
I have had to let go of some things and some people in my life lately that have left me absolutely heartbroken. I know we should never say never...as in don't say these friendships will never be revived. But I have to tell you...I am not holding my breath. Because when it comes down to it, those are the people who have made me feel like I am not enough lately. It makes me sad. I think what makes me the saddest is that I have seen who these people can be. It is like they have given up on themselves. I may not be able to be an active friend or person in their life right now, but I have not given up. And I won't. Because I still care. Sometimes I wish that I could just turn it off and not care about it anymore. But when it comes to them, I can't. I am just not built that way.
I try not to post anything on here or FB about religion or politics, but I do have to say this... I have an amazing group of friends. They have watched me fall to the bottom this year, and have stood beside me and held my hand on my way back up. They never left my side. They have not hesitated. The were steadfast in their love and support. They did not fail me. Even when I failed them. When I failed myself. And I really don't think it is a coincidence that these people were put in my life. I don't think it was good luck either... And I am so thankful that I still have their friendship. It is something I do not ever want to risk or to challenge again.
I know this has been long, and random, and that I have completely rambled. Probably doesn't even make sense. I know how I feel and I am not sure if this portrays that enough, or if I have been able to get it out the way I intended. All I know is I am ready to move forward with my life. I want to know my purpose. Not just know it, but fulfill it to the best of my ability. I am thankful that the "old me" is back and that I did not let certain people steal my joy permanently. Maybe one day they can be a part of my life again. Even a happy part. Because they used to be. And I miss that. I miss them.
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