Along the way, I have learned there are times that can really break a person. However, I have also learned that with faith, Jesus, precious family, and awesome friends, the breaking does not happen nearly as often.
Many of you know that I have been facing some tough reality the past few weeks. To those of you who do know, thank you for respecting my privacy. I wasn't ready to address it in an open forum, however I am aware that there is a need to do so. And I am now ok to discuss it openly.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in my doctor's office when she made the following statement "I am sorry to tell you this, but you do have cancer.". I can tell you that the moment she finished that statement it seemed like I could hear my heart beating in my eardrums, and I got tunnel vision. After a few seconds, I was able to ask what kind and what my next steps are.
I have cervical cancer. It is still a little unreal when I make that statement. But it's true. After numerous tests, there is no hiding from it. I am in the extremely small part of the population that did not get it from HPV. My doctor and I discussed the fact that studies now show it can be hereditary. And since my mother is adopted, we do not know our medical history so to speak.
I have already had a couple of outpatient procedures done, the latest one being today. I go back in February or March for another Pap Smear, and then this summer will proceed with a full hysterectomy. After that, we will know about what chemo and/or radiation route we will take. If any.
First of all let me say thank you for your phone calls, facebook messages, mail, texts, hugs (especially the big bear hugs), and the prayers. I can honestly say that I have the BEST family and friends of anyone. I was telling my mother tonight that you always know you matter to your family and best friends. But I never really thought I mattered outside of that to anyone. But apparently I was wrong. People I didn't realized love me, do.
Here are a few of my truths:
1. Sometimes I get nervous.
2. This does NOT make me any different than who I have always been. So please do not feel
like you have to act any differently around me.
3. I have had a few "worst case scenario" people ask me about the "what ifs". My family and I
choose not to think that way. We do not ponder that part. Because the "worst case scenario"
in my case, also means the BEST case scenario. Heaven. We just do not consider that an
option. :)
4. Please pray for my family. This has been very tough for them. Probably harder for them
than for me to be honest.
5. I do not feel sorry for myself in the least bit. In all honesty, I haven't even cried yet.
Although I am sure there will be a time and place when I do. If you happen to be the
person who experiences that, I am so sorry.
6. I am not slowing down. At all. I have a pretty awesome life to live.
7. As my dear friend said... Cancer has picked the WRONG gal to mess with.
8. I have 100% faith in my team of doctors. And I have 150% faith in my Jesus.
I know that there will be some tough times ahead. I know that this is not exactly the path I would have chosen for myself. But I do know that my God is in control, and He never lets me down. He never stops fighting for me. His love never waivers. And it isn't about to start letting me down now. He has His arms around me and is fighting like only He can. I am protected, and I am loved. And because of this, I know that I will be just fine. I have such a strong inner peace within myself. I do not have any fear. And I know that is because of Him. Because I certainly can't handle this without Him.
If you are reading this, and have a child in my class.... please do not discuss this with them. I do not want to scare them. And this will in NO way affect my job. I have 21 loves who need me. And I need them. They have my whole heart. I fell in love with each and every one of them the first time I met them. They make this journey bearable. Your children still get 150% of me. Always have. Always will. Period.
If you are reading this and have interactions with McKayla and Emma (my nieces), please do not discuss this with them either. There is no need for them to know anything until we get to the chemo/radiation part if and when that becomes necessary.
Lastly, please know that I love each and every one of you very much. This is just a little bump along the path that is my journey thru life. And that is exactly what I choose. Life. If anything, this has taught me to take nothing and no one for granted. Extremely cliche. But very true. Cancer breaks a lot of people. But I know one thing is true.... I. Don't. Break. Ever....
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The Words Left Unspoken...
This morning in church, one of our resident pastors, Daniel talked about the pain our tongues can inflict on others. (For the record.... I LOVE LOVE my church. We are a come as you are, love you through your junk church. And goodness knows we all have junk.) He talked about how the tongue can do great damage, whether it be in our language, or the things we say to one another. Which made me think... (I know, I know... oh boy...).
He is no doubt correct. The things we say can cause people great pain. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of this. Rest assured, they both stink. However, I began to think that sometimes, it's the things we leave unspoken that can cause pain too.
Sometimes when people say nothing, it can cause someone to wonder what they did wrong. Especially when they let that person know how they feel about it and the person continues to remain silent. We can tell people that we feel certain ways, but unless we back it up, those words remain empty. Silence is an action. So the whole saying "actions speak louder than words" remains true. Sometimes your silence can speak volumes. And sometimes that silence causes hurt. Because that means that person has made you feel like your feelings aren't important. You're not important.
Several good relationships (of any kind) are lost because of silence. Or because of the painful things we say to each other. It's scary to tell people how we feel. What if it makes them angry? What if they yell at us? What if they don't care? There comes a time during someone's silence where we may begin to realize that we simply are not important to that person. At all. And we never will be. Then we have to ask ourselves if that person is worth fighting for, or if we need to simply walk away. Personally, I'm a fighter. I will fight for someone I care about until there is absolutely nothing left. And then I will still be here if they ever decide to come back. Yeah, simply walking away would be so much easier. But in the end if we fight for it, what if it is worth it? Without great risk, we will never know great passion.
Maybe the risk is worth it. Maybe it isn't. There is only one way to find out. Fight. Rant over.
He is no doubt correct. The things we say can cause people great pain. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of this. Rest assured, they both stink. However, I began to think that sometimes, it's the things we leave unspoken that can cause pain too.
Sometimes when people say nothing, it can cause someone to wonder what they did wrong. Especially when they let that person know how they feel about it and the person continues to remain silent. We can tell people that we feel certain ways, but unless we back it up, those words remain empty. Silence is an action. So the whole saying "actions speak louder than words" remains true. Sometimes your silence can speak volumes. And sometimes that silence causes hurt. Because that means that person has made you feel like your feelings aren't important. You're not important.
Several good relationships (of any kind) are lost because of silence. Or because of the painful things we say to each other. It's scary to tell people how we feel. What if it makes them angry? What if they yell at us? What if they don't care? There comes a time during someone's silence where we may begin to realize that we simply are not important to that person. At all. And we never will be. Then we have to ask ourselves if that person is worth fighting for, or if we need to simply walk away. Personally, I'm a fighter. I will fight for someone I care about until there is absolutely nothing left. And then I will still be here if they ever decide to come back. Yeah, simply walking away would be so much easier. But in the end if we fight for it, what if it is worth it? Without great risk, we will never know great passion.
Maybe the risk is worth it. Maybe it isn't. There is only one way to find out. Fight. Rant over.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Pain Unintentional...
I have sat down and written a few different posts in the last couple of weeks, but decided not to share them. But this one I will share because it has made my heart heavy...
So many times in life we are hurt by others words/actions or the lack thereof. Many times we cause the same hurt to someone else. Either way, pain is felt. I have been both on the receiving end and the giving end of this. And both have happened lately.
“Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.” ― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief. That quote has been engrained in my mind the last few days. Because a few days ago I was told of some pain that I had inflicted on another person. Not purposefully, but it happened just the same. And I am the direct cause of this persons pain. It is something that happened about 12 years ago and I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA. I have been replaying the conversation (I found out from a third party that I had hurt this person), and trying to figure out what to do. So, needless to say, I will be apologizing. It was because of my selfishness that I caused this person pain. Pain to the point they called my parents to ask what they had done wrong. But this person smiled at me daily, even though I had "slapped them in the face" with my actions. I never knew ANY of this until a few days ago. My heart is broken. I am not sure exactly what I will say. I just know that there will be an apology...and a prayer that the apology is accepted, even though I do not deserve for it to be.
This week I have been a little over-sensitive and emotionally charged, which NEVER happens. There is a reason for this, and the main reason for my blog entry, which I will get to in a minute... But because over-sensitivity + emotionally charged = plain stupidity, I may have cost myself a friendship that I consider kind of important to me. I am learning I do a really good job of screwing things up. Apparently. The thought that this friendship may be no more makes me so angry with myself. Because it is 100% my fault. Usually I am the kind of person that if you want to leave, stand aside and I will hold the door wide open for you. Goodbye and good riddance. But this person has gotten under my skin, which I am so careful not to let happen. My walls are super high and super thick. Usually. But this one caught me off guard. I guess that's why it hurts. Which is a different kind of pain. Because that is a pain that I brought upon myself. I am truly at a loss for what to do or say (which I never run out of things to say...ha!). It's one of those situations that I think no matter what I do or say, it will piss them off. So I pray about this too. When all else fails, pray. Right?
Now for the reason of my blog... When I was 20, one of my best friends was killed in an automobile accident. That is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I will never forget the phone call. Both of her parents were on the phone, and had somehow mustered the strength to tell me themselves. A few days later, her mom called again and asked me to go to her school and help her clean out her dorm room. That day sucked. It was awful. I left that day with a box her mother had given me. I still have the box. Inside there are a few video tapes of us singing karaoke in her living room with her little sister, and generally acting stupid. There is a cassette tape that had been made of us singing. And there are her rosary beads. The day we cleaned her room out, we sat down and watched the videos. I haven't watched them since then. Never will.
To this day, I talk to her mom and sister, Delaney once a month. Sometimes more. Wednesday I had a FaceTime conversation with Delaney. Thursday, her mom called me once again to tell me the news. Delaney had taken her own life. I am still in total shock. How did I miss that? How did I not see her pain? Because I should have. I don't understand. Maybe it isn't for me to understand. But there is tremendous guilt. I should have seen something. Heard something in her voice. Seen something in her face. Something. There is pain because she is gone, and there is pain because I didn't notice anything different.
There is; sometimes, pain in the things we say, how we say them, the things we leave unsaid, the way we treat others, the way we make others feel, and the actions we take. Sometimes the pain is purposeful. Sometimes the pain is very unintentional. Either way, it hurts. And sometimes all we can do is put on a fake smile and keep going. Because God forbid we actually feel....
So many times in life we are hurt by others words/actions or the lack thereof. Many times we cause the same hurt to someone else. Either way, pain is felt. I have been both on the receiving end and the giving end of this. And both have happened lately.
“Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.” ― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief. That quote has been engrained in my mind the last few days. Because a few days ago I was told of some pain that I had inflicted on another person. Not purposefully, but it happened just the same. And I am the direct cause of this persons pain. It is something that happened about 12 years ago and I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA. I have been replaying the conversation (I found out from a third party that I had hurt this person), and trying to figure out what to do. So, needless to say, I will be apologizing. It was because of my selfishness that I caused this person pain. Pain to the point they called my parents to ask what they had done wrong. But this person smiled at me daily, even though I had "slapped them in the face" with my actions. I never knew ANY of this until a few days ago. My heart is broken. I am not sure exactly what I will say. I just know that there will be an apology...and a prayer that the apology is accepted, even though I do not deserve for it to be.
This week I have been a little over-sensitive and emotionally charged, which NEVER happens. There is a reason for this, and the main reason for my blog entry, which I will get to in a minute... But because over-sensitivity + emotionally charged = plain stupidity, I may have cost myself a friendship that I consider kind of important to me. I am learning I do a really good job of screwing things up. Apparently. The thought that this friendship may be no more makes me so angry with myself. Because it is 100% my fault. Usually I am the kind of person that if you want to leave, stand aside and I will hold the door wide open for you. Goodbye and good riddance. But this person has gotten under my skin, which I am so careful not to let happen. My walls are super high and super thick. Usually. But this one caught me off guard. I guess that's why it hurts. Which is a different kind of pain. Because that is a pain that I brought upon myself. I am truly at a loss for what to do or say (which I never run out of things to say...ha!). It's one of those situations that I think no matter what I do or say, it will piss them off. So I pray about this too. When all else fails, pray. Right?
Now for the reason of my blog... When I was 20, one of my best friends was killed in an automobile accident. That is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I will never forget the phone call. Both of her parents were on the phone, and had somehow mustered the strength to tell me themselves. A few days later, her mom called again and asked me to go to her school and help her clean out her dorm room. That day sucked. It was awful. I left that day with a box her mother had given me. I still have the box. Inside there are a few video tapes of us singing karaoke in her living room with her little sister, and generally acting stupid. There is a cassette tape that had been made of us singing. And there are her rosary beads. The day we cleaned her room out, we sat down and watched the videos. I haven't watched them since then. Never will.
To this day, I talk to her mom and sister, Delaney once a month. Sometimes more. Wednesday I had a FaceTime conversation with Delaney. Thursday, her mom called me once again to tell me the news. Delaney had taken her own life. I am still in total shock. How did I miss that? How did I not see her pain? Because I should have. I don't understand. Maybe it isn't for me to understand. But there is tremendous guilt. I should have seen something. Heard something in her voice. Seen something in her face. Something. There is pain because she is gone, and there is pain because I didn't notice anything different.
There is; sometimes, pain in the things we say, how we say them, the things we leave unsaid, the way we treat others, the way we make others feel, and the actions we take. Sometimes the pain is purposeful. Sometimes the pain is very unintentional. Either way, it hurts. And sometimes all we can do is put on a fake smile and keep going. Because God forbid we actually feel....
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