I find it very fitting that I am sitting here, writing this blog from the comfort of my parents home. My childhood home. The one place that I know I can always return to. My safe haven.
In the last couple of days I have received several messages and phone calls about a FB post...the one about freedom. I have removed the post because I have decided to share my story. Not the whole thing. There are some parts that I choose not to discuss, except for with the remote few I am close to. I will say that the more you get to know me, the more parts I will share. Until then, this is me...This is my story...
I grew up in a very traditional household. My parents have been married for over 43 years. We were raised in church. By all accounts, they did everything right. I made the decision to follow Christ when I was 18 years old. It wasn't until a few years later, that I would find out just how much a persons faith could be tested...how much a family could be tested...and ultimately how much a family can love.
I became engaged in my early 20's, and quickly realized that I was not who God had chosen for this man. With the church booked, dress chosen, and veil bought, the wedding was called off. There was absolutely no third party involved. I just knew God had a better plan for him. This was one of the hardest decisions of my life. My family was by my side the whole time. They not only prayed for me, they prayed he would have peace as well.
A few months after the engagement ended, I met someone at church. I was attending FBC Douglasville at the time. This man seemed to have everything in place. Everything was perfect. Six months into it, the perfection came crumbling down, and the person I was changed forever. At first I noticed little things would set him off (like pasta noodles not being cooked the way he wanted them). To make a very long story short, he left me broken. I was broken emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
People always wonder why people do not get out of certain situations. For me it was about keeping my family safe. I was afraid he would make good on his promises. So I stayed. For 2 years, I stayed. It finally ended on a night when he left me in Dahlonega alone. I had no way home. I was scared and had no idea what to do. I stayed the night in a hotel, and a friend came and picked me up the next morning. She asked me where I wanted to go. My reply? "I want to go Home." I didn't mean to my house. I meant to my family.
By this time, my parents had their suspicions. Especially my mother. I will never forget the look on my moms face when I got home. She knew. We never really discussed it, but over the years some of it has finally come out.
At the time I had so much anger and mistrust. I was angry with God for letting it happen. I didn't trust anyone. Including family. I spent 7 days a week in the gym. If I wasn't at work, that's where I was. I turned my back on everyone, including the Lord. I stopped going to church. Then I met a guy at the gym who invited me to church. He kept bugging me to go to Peachtree Community Church. I finally told him I would go ONE time if he would PLEASE leave me alone. So I went.
I felt the love and grace of God immediately. It was like he was saying "Welcome home child". It was there, sitting in that service that I realized how much I had turned my back on Him. I realized what I had put my family through. I had been pushing them away for months. I wanted to trust them and be with them, but I had become so accustomed to fear, that I wouldn't let myself.
Through all of this, not only did God not turn His back on me... my family didn't either. As the preacher was saying the closing prayer, I knew where I needed to be. Home.
Shortly after that, I met the man I would fall in love with. We had a 3 year relationship. A lot of our time together was beautiful. A lot of it wasn't. He never did anything to physically hurt me. But the relationship ended with me knowing I would never be enough. It ended with me once again going Home.
It took me several years to get over that relationship. But I finally did. I still struggle with self confidence. There are still times where I feel like I am not good enough for certain people. And that's ok. Because God has taken the broken mess that was me, and uses it daily for His good. I am enough for Him, and that's just fine with me.
It was through Him that I faced my fear on Sunday, I came face to face with the man I had spent so long being afraid of. It was through God that I was able to look him dead in the eye, and not be afraid. It was through Him that I found my freedom Sunday. I know now I do not have anything to fear. I am safe in Him.
There are some things that I cannot change. I can't change the fact that safety is a huge deal to me. I can't change the fact that I have heart problems now. I can't change the fact that when the stress gets to be too much I have night terrors ( which, thankfully, are very few and far between now ). But I can use all of that to the glory of God. I can use that to tell my story. My story can give hope to those who have lost theirs.
I have learned that, not only is God's grace more than sufficient and abundant, but so is my family's. I have learned that without that grace, I would be nowhere. I have learned how to love unconditionally. I have learned what it feels like to be loved. I have learned that while I don't have a lot to offer...to the right person, I will be everything. I have learned that no matter which path in life I choose, all roads lead Home.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Prodigal Daugther Returns...
Today, in church, we discussed the prodigal child. Well, for my family, I was that child. This post is difficult to write, as I am going to share a part of my story. While my story is much bigger than this, this is the most difficult part of it.
In my early twenties I found myself in deep despair. I had ended an engagement to a wonderful man... just not the man God had chosen for me. After that engagement I met Chris. We met at church and things were wonderful. Long story short, that wonderful man began to change. The man who was supposed to love me and protect me did just the opposite. After 2 years, I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. My health had gone down very quickly.
If you think that is bad, just wait... My spiritual life became non-existent. I stopped going to church. I was angry at God and everyone in my life. To keep myself busy and occupied I started going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 3-4 hours. Sometimes longer. I ran 5 miles twice a week (on top of my workout). At the gym I met one of my friends. After several days of getting to know each other he invited me to church.
At first it was just irritating. The it just started to piss me off to be quite frank. I finally broke down and told him that if he would just shut up and leave me alone about it I would go. So that Sunday I found myself sitting at Peachtree Community Church. In the very back row no less. I just didn't want to be there. At all.
Well God was at work. Because every week after that I was in church. While I was there I met the man that I would later fall in love with. He is the only man to this day that I have ever loved. And while it didn't work for whatever reason, he is still someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for (not the romantic kind).
Why? Because during the time we spent together, God used him to show love. He sent this man to me when my life was ugly, messy, and in utter chaos. When most people would have high tailed it in the opposite direction, he was steadfast in showing me the love and grace of Jesus. I learned that Jesus wants me. No matter what I have been through, or what I have done. He is enough for me. I am forgiven. God fully understands how complicated we are. But He doesn't care. He loves us anyways.
I have been thinking (in anticipation of our next series at church) about what Jesus is to me. If I could sum it up in one word, I would say that, to me, Jesus is LOVE. He is forgiveness, grace, second chances, eternity, perfect, alive, all knowing, worthy, patient. He is enough. Jesus is love, and He is mine.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve the grace He showed me during that time. I certainly did not deserve His forgiveness and second chance. But he was there and more than happy to give them to me. Because of this, I try to love others the way that He loves me. Do I fail him? Yes. Every single day there are things that I could have done/should have done differently. But I honestly try to love others and show others the forgiveness and mercy that He has bestowed upon me.
When I was the one who turned my back on Him, He was waiting with open arms to welcome me home. His prodigal daughter had returned. And with Jesus is where she will stay. Forever.
In my early twenties I found myself in deep despair. I had ended an engagement to a wonderful man... just not the man God had chosen for me. After that engagement I met Chris. We met at church and things were wonderful. Long story short, that wonderful man began to change. The man who was supposed to love me and protect me did just the opposite. After 2 years, I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. My health had gone down very quickly.
If you think that is bad, just wait... My spiritual life became non-existent. I stopped going to church. I was angry at God and everyone in my life. To keep myself busy and occupied I started going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 3-4 hours. Sometimes longer. I ran 5 miles twice a week (on top of my workout). At the gym I met one of my friends. After several days of getting to know each other he invited me to church.
At first it was just irritating. The it just started to piss me off to be quite frank. I finally broke down and told him that if he would just shut up and leave me alone about it I would go. So that Sunday I found myself sitting at Peachtree Community Church. In the very back row no less. I just didn't want to be there. At all.
Well God was at work. Because every week after that I was in church. While I was there I met the man that I would later fall in love with. He is the only man to this day that I have ever loved. And while it didn't work for whatever reason, he is still someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for (not the romantic kind).
Why? Because during the time we spent together, God used him to show love. He sent this man to me when my life was ugly, messy, and in utter chaos. When most people would have high tailed it in the opposite direction, he was steadfast in showing me the love and grace of Jesus. I learned that Jesus wants me. No matter what I have been through, or what I have done. He is enough for me. I am forgiven. God fully understands how complicated we are. But He doesn't care. He loves us anyways.
I have been thinking (in anticipation of our next series at church) about what Jesus is to me. If I could sum it up in one word, I would say that, to me, Jesus is LOVE. He is forgiveness, grace, second chances, eternity, perfect, alive, all knowing, worthy, patient. He is enough. Jesus is love, and He is mine.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve the grace He showed me during that time. I certainly did not deserve His forgiveness and second chance. But he was there and more than happy to give them to me. Because of this, I try to love others the way that He loves me. Do I fail him? Yes. Every single day there are things that I could have done/should have done differently. But I honestly try to love others and show others the forgiveness and mercy that He has bestowed upon me.
When I was the one who turned my back on Him, He was waiting with open arms to welcome me home. His prodigal daughter had returned. And with Jesus is where she will stay. Forever.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Sticks And Stones...
The thing that has weighed on my heart the heaviest this week is how damaging our words can be. I'm not sure if people honestly don't realize how damaging our words can be, or if they simply don't care. And how many times do we have to turn the proverbial other cheek in anticipation of the impending second blow. Because there is always a second blow. At least in my experience there is.
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
Monday, January 21, 2013
Having Faith In A Faithless World
I realize that I have not blogged in a while. I have a lot on my mind and I am not quite sure where to start, so here it goes...
Today I have been thinking a lot about faith. I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase". It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see. I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
The truth is, I haven't always had faith. It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls. And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind. I became angry at God. I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate. At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going). I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed. I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move. He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined. That was the day it became clear to me. When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God. I completely gave up. Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side. He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned. The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would. But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy. That overshadows the sadness and sorrow. I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else. Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past. Because that is what has made me who I am today. It is what has gotten me to this point. My starting point.
Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement. I also have a little bit of fear. But where I have fear, I must also have faith. I have to have faith in a faithless world.
Today I have been thinking a lot about faith. I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase". It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see. I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
The truth is, I haven't always had faith. It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls. And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind. I became angry at God. I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate. At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going). I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed. I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move. He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined. That was the day it became clear to me. When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God. I completely gave up. Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side. He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned. The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would. But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy. That overshadows the sadness and sorrow. I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else. Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past. Because that is what has made me who I am today. It is what has gotten me to this point. My starting point.
Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement. I also have a little bit of fear. But where I have fear, I must also have faith. I have to have faith in a faithless world.
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