My Pursuit Of Solitude...

As you know, I will usually not post anything about politics, religion, or otherwise.  Today is an exception...

   Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Green (Edge Point Church) preached a very powerful sermon.  It was about seeking solitude with God.  One of the points he made; and the point that was the most powerful for me, was this:  "You should pursue solitude with God, not because He demands it, but because He deserves it."  I have to say, I used to be a lot better at this.
   The past few months I have not sought out a relationship with God the way that I used to.  I used to have time in solitude with God daily.  But I found myself surrounded by people and in situations that made me neglect that relationship.  The most important relationship of all was ignored because I chose to focus on the one that turned out to be the worst thing for me. 
   And because of my blatant disobedience I payed the price (as I should have).  But thankfully, God has since completely removed the person from my life, and has guided me back onto the path He has chosen for me.
   This evening as I was cutting my grass it became so clear to me.  For so long, I denied the closeness that He deserves.  I made choices that He clearly told me not to.  However, once I listened, and He was able to remove the person who brought me down (in more ways than one), He started to show me His ultimate plan for my life.
   He brought me closer to my family.  He brought me into a church who loves its people.  He introduced me to friends who will not only build me up, but will walk with me in my journey through life.  And the greatest gift of all, He put the one I am supposed to be with in my life.  He showed me how it is supposed to be to share your life with the right person.  When I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the dating world anymore, He said... Just wait, I have one made specifically for you.  And He did. 
   I realized this evening, that when we continuously pursue our solitude with God, He will continuously send blessings our way and pour into us, the way we pour into Him.  My God is a God of extreme grace.  And because of that grace, I am here.  Realizing the grace my God has for me, makes me want to do only things He will be proud of.  Sure, I know I will fall short every single day.  But I also know that in the end, He will pick me up and brush me off.  And I will keep on going.

Shattered Dreams And Broken Promises...

   As we go through life we will encounter dreams that do not come to fruition, and promises that will be broken.  How we handle those situations is entirely up to us.  We can be a baby about it, run from it, or put on our big girl panties and deal with it.  I prefer the latter. 
   With this being said, no matter how much time passes, or how much older we get... it doesn't get any easier.  I choose to surround myself with people who love me, support me, and push me to be the best me I can be.  This makes a lot of difference when you watch your dreams shatter around you.
   Then, one day you wake up and realize you have different dreams and new promises.  And then you realize that the people you have in your life who have made these promises will never break them.  Not only will they keep their promises, they will help you build new dreams.  Bigger than you could have ever imagined.  And that is love.

Pieces Of Me...

   I have been using the past few days to reflect on my life.  What I have experienced, what I have yet to experience.  What I can't wait to see come to fruition, what I wish I had never been through.  And I have found that some of this has surprised me. 
   I am grateful for every life experience I have had thus far, because; in the end, it has led me to who/where I am today.  It has not always been pretty.  It has not always been fun.  But it has always been real. 
   I know that I have become numb to certain feelings, and certain things in my life.  Some people have said I am a little jaded...I prefer to say realistic.  ;)  However, as of late, I am wondering if maybe I will be able to come back around and experience these things again...to feel again.  And I have to say I really think that I will.
   Some of my life experiences I have talked about.  Some I have told a select few, and will probably never post about them.  Who knows, maybe one day I will be brave enough to do a post about them.  But suffice it to say, I had a rough time for a little while.
   Trust is a HUGE deal to me.  I have been proven time and time again that trust is broken.  In the worst ways.  I have always known that my happiness can never depend on other people.  But when a trust is broken, it so hard to recover.  And then you add that trust being broken multiple times by the same person, and then by different people...it sometimes seems that recovery is virtually impossible.  People do and say things that you would NEVER imagine them doing or saying.  Sometimes they say things they don't mean (as in I love you), and when that happens, that hurts too.  Actually that one probably hurts the most.  By then, it is just simply too late.  When you encounter this several times during the span of several years, you become numb. 
   So I have been going through life, in a way, numb.  And when you least expect it, things begin to happen, and someone comes into your life who shows you that the numbness does not have to be a forever thing.  Eventually, without even knowing it, they have started to take the pieces of me and are helping them become whole again.  And that feels great.  :)

Throughout All Of The Darkness And Sadness, Soon Comes Happiness...

   If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is to not give up.  There have been so many times throughout my journey where it would have been soooo much easier to just throw in the towel... wave my white flag.  I have been blessed with people who, when I wanted to give up, would not let me.  They reminded me of who I am and where I come from. 
   I may not be the prettiest girl in the world.  I don't have a lot to offer.  My life is not always beautiful.  But everything about me is real.  I have never and will never promise to be anything or anyone I'm not.
   I have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope to have.  I have THE best family anyone could ever ask for. These are the people I choose to surround myself with.  These are the people who keep me grounded and in line.  They give kindness when needed, and they give a good butt kicking when needed as well.  No matter which one the day calls for, they love me at all times. 
   I have seen people walk in my life, and then turn around and walk right back out.  And to them I say "Good riddance."  I have had people who have said and done some horrible things to me.  To them I say "Thank you."  Good riddance and thank you because for all of the darkness and the sadness you brought into my life, I have found ten times the happiness. 
   The lesson in all of this, is no matter how much darkness and sadness you encounter, don't give up.  There is something so much better in store.  And that is when you realize that life does not get any better than this.

This Thing Called Life...

   This week I have been reading a book, written by Rebecca St. James, called SHE.  Like I have said before, I do not typically discuss religion or politics on my blog.  Not that I am against it (quite the opposite), I just don't.  However, Rebecca St. James is a Christian recording artist.  SHE is a book about empowering women, without the "I am woman, hear me roar" philosophy. 
   It talks about how to have a happy and healthy existence, regardless of where you are in your walk through this thing called life.  There have been several passages in the book that have SCREAMED my name.  She talks about self-esteem issues (What?  Who me?  Low self-esteem? Nooo...), freedom, love, life, intimacy (the depth of your relationships/friendships), and a lot more. 
  Her book has really hit home for me in a lot of areas.  It is like she has written this book just for me.  I am finally starting to feel the freedom she talks about.  Knowing that I am not defined by my life circumstance.  Or at least, I don't have to be.  It's my choice.  And while, I may have to work hard at it, I can overcome anything.  I am capable of love, and being loved.  I am uniquely and wonderfully made.  I am me, and I am enough.  I don't have to conform to what the world thinks of as "beautiful".  I mean, let's face it, I will NEVER be supermodel material.  And that's ok.
   I don't have to settle for anything, just because society says I do.  I can live my life the way I am meant to live it.  And I can be HAPPY living that life.  I have taken the last month or so to work on my emotional healing (for a couple of reasons, I needed to do this).  One thing I discovered while doing this is that I had no idea how much I had changed.  And not necessarily in a good way.  I had no idea how hurt I really was.  And not just by one source.  The month I took to myself was needed far more than I could have imagined.  I am ok with the way things have ended up.  Not happy about all of it, but ok.  I have come to realize that it is what it is, and I am not the one who can change the situations.  They are in the hands of others.  The ball is in their court, so to speak.  It may stay this way forever, but at least I can live with the fact that I tried my hardest.  I hope that one day things change, but until they do I am going to go on with my life and happiness. 
   I have come to realize the extreme importance of my family and my friends.  They are the ones who will reach down and pull you up by your boot straps when you fall.  They will surround you with more love, support, and compassion that you deserve.  And the people who are true in your life will never ever turn their back on you.  No matter how far you fall.  No matter how much faith you lose in yourself, they never lose hope.  And in the end they are the ones who will help you put the pieces of your life back together again.
  And if the circumstances ever do change, I will be here to be that friend for them.  They may not need it or want it now.  Or ever.  But just in case there is a slight chance they do.  I will be here.  I won't turn my back on them.  Ever.  I will help them carry the load and put the pieces back together. 

A Happy Kind Of Sadness...

   Lately I have been thinking a lot about my Grandpa (Mom's dad).  He passed away in November and I still really miss him.  We were like two peas in a pod.  Especially when it came to Georgia Tech sports.  He was a Tech graduate and planted my love for the team at an early age. 
   Anyways... I started wondering how long it takes to stop missing someone.  And I came up with this... you don't.  It gets a little easier with time, but you still miss certain things.  You always will.  But I guess to completely understand where I am coming from, I guess I need to give you a little background info.  You see, my Grandpa and I did not have a "typical" relationship towards the end.  I was lucky enough to spend a period of time this summer as his caregiver on the night shift.  I helped feed him, give him his meds, take care of personal needs, etc.  So he depended on me a lot.  What he did not realize was that I was depending on him too.  I knew he needed me.  And I needed him. 
   Another thing you should probably know is that until I was in college he never said "I love you."  We just knew he did.  But he would always tell us to "Be sweet." when it was time for us to leave or hang up the phone.  One day it hit me... that was his way of telling us that he loved us.  So the next time, I saw him when I was leaving, I just looked him in the eye and said "I sure do love you."  He smiled and said "Well, I sure do love you too sugar."  I will NEVER forget that.  And from that moment on, there was not a time we talked that we didn't tell each other we loved the other. 
   And since he has been gone, it has made me realize that maybe when other relationships end you will always miss certain things about that person.  Maybe not.  But at one point, you will more than likely become mature adults and can be civil with each other.  Who knows?  Maybe you can even be friends.  You never know.  Because if you can't at least be civil, you may just miss out on one of the best friendships ever. 
   I wish that he was still here so that I could tell him how much I love him.  How much I needed him.  Even in the end.  I know that he knew.  Because I could see it in his eyes.  And I know that he loved me too.  But I still wish that I could just get the chance to tell him exactly how much.  So... Be sweet Granddaddy, and I love you. 

The Randomness That Is My Heart...

   This is going to be a completely random post, because I just have a lot on my mind.  I apologize in advance...

   I have been thinking this morning about what the purpose for my life is.  To be completely honest, I have no idea sometimes.  I think I know at times what my purpose is, and then I realize that I really don't.  And that bothers me.  A lot.  I know who I am, and I am very comfortable with myself.  But I know there is a specific purpose for my life, I just don't know what it is. 
   I know that we are not always happy with ourselves... We sometimes feel like we are not skinny enough, not outgoing enough, not pretty enough...  And God knows that makes us feel not good enough.  I have had plenty of people in my life who have made me feel this way... just not good enough.  And I am tired of it.  So for now on, if someone feels that I am not enough for them, feel free to leave.  And don't ever come back.  I am not going to let anyone steal my happiness and joy.  I've had enough of that, and quite frankly my "give a damn" is busted.  It just doesn't exist anymore.
   I am not going to go into the logistics of everything on here, but if you want to know anything about me, all you have to do is ask.  But to suffice it to say I have been through enough in life.  And sometimes it feels like it just won't stop.  Why is it we are afraid to talk about how broken we are and how sad we may be?  Society puts such a negative connotation on that.  It's ok to be sad, to be broken.  And sometimes we break to the point we don't know how to get back on our feet.  I've been there.  Sometimes, I still struggle. 
   I have had to let go of some things and some people in my life lately that have left me absolutely heartbroken.  I know we should never say never...as in don't say these friendships will never be revived.  But I have to tell you...I am not holding my breath.  Because when it comes down to it, those are the people who have made me feel like I am not enough lately.  It makes me sad.  I think what makes me the saddest is that I have seen who these people can be.  It is like they have given up on themselves.  I may not be able to be an active friend or person in their life right now, but I have not given up.  And I won't.  Because I still care.  Sometimes I wish that I could just turn it off and not care about it anymore.  But when it comes to them, I can't.  I am just not built that way. 
   I try not to post anything on here or FB about religion or politics, but I do have to say this... I have an amazing group of friends.  They have watched me fall to the bottom this year, and have stood beside me and held my hand on my way back up.  They never left my side.  They have not hesitated.  The were steadfast in their love and support.  They did not fail me.  Even when I failed them.  When I failed myself.  And I really don't think it is a coincidence that these people were put in my life.  I don't think it was good luck either... And I am so thankful that I still have their friendship.  It is something I do not ever want to risk or to challenge again.
   I know this has been long, and random, and that I have completely rambled.  Probably doesn't even make sense.  I know how I feel and I am not sure if this portrays that enough, or if I have been able to get it out the way I intended.  All I know is I am ready to move forward with my life.  I want to know my purpose.  Not just know it, but fulfill it to the best of my ability.  I am thankful that the "old me" is back and that I did not let certain people steal my joy permanently.  Maybe one day they can be a part of my life again.  Even a happy part.  Because they used to be.  And I miss that.  I miss them. 
  
  

When A Heart Breaks, It Never Breaks Even...

   There is sadness, and then there is heartbreaking sadness.  I have learned in life that it doesn't have to be a significant other to break your heart.  Friends can too.  And what happens when someone first breaks your heart as a significant other, (remains one of your very best friends), and then breaks your heart as your friend?  Pure misery.  That's what. 
   I am at a complete loss for words.  I have always tried to hold true to the mantra "Do unto others...".  People do not always treat you with respect in return.  And usually I don't care...I don't let it get to me.  But I care this time.  Not something I am used to.  It's an unbelievable sadness.  I feel lost.  The loss of our friendship is what hurts the most.  Not the way I have been treated or talked to.  Don't get me wrong...that hurts too.  But it's the loss of our friendship that hurts the most.  Knowing I can't simply pick up the phone to share good news, or having someone there to tell me things are going to be ok.  Not having late night conversations after work, whether they are in person, or via phone.  Having someone in your life who has seen you at your absolute worst, and knowing their secrets too.  But even more than that is the not judging each other for these things.  Having someone who FINALLY chased the nightmares away.  These are the things I miss the most.
   I know that time heals all pain.  But right now it still makes me incredibly sad.  I know with time I will pick the pieces up and put them all together again.  I will rise and go forward.  Because in the end, it's what I do... no matter how hard it is.  It's just that everyone knows when a heart breaks, it never breaks even...

Life Lessons Part Three

   When does enough finally become enough?  How long can you try to be there for someone and try to have a friendship with someone who, quite frankly, just doesn't care?  I wish I knew the answer.  I am one of those people you can knock down time and time again, and I will keep coming back for more.  I guess I'm just stupid. 
   They say that you can only try for so long before you just give up and walk away.  I guess I haven't gotten to that point yet.  Maybe they have.  Maybe this is one of those things I am not meant to understand.  Maybe I am just always going to be there for that person no matter what.  Because I am the type of friend who never turns their back on someone.  Loyal.  Even when it hurts.  Even when it is breaking your heart.
   Life Lesson Part Three:  Never give up.  Even if they never come around... always be there for them just in case they do.

LIfe Lessons Part Two

   So lately (as in the past couple of weeks) I have learned that life can throw you a sick curve ball.  You think you are prepared for certain things, and then something that you TOTALLY were not expecting happens.  I am usually pretty good at playing the cards I am dealt.  But this time, not so much.
   Fear has a funny way of grabbing you and holding on for dear life.  Especially when it is something you are not really used to feeling.  Normally I am not rattled easily.  But I have to admit...this has me completely freaked out.  I'm sure I am not the first person (or the last) who will ever experience this.  However, when you are in the midst of it, it sure feels like you are alone.
   One thing is for sure...you find out who is truly your friend.  Throughout this experience, I have learned that certain people I thought were friends, really aren't.  Yet, I have also discovered that certain people I thought could care less, might actually care.  A little...
   One more thing is for certain...I have an AMAZING family.  The love they have for me is incredible.  It is unconditional.  It is forever.  I find myself, at times, frustrated.  Not really with them, but with myself.  However, it is taken out on them...and they still remain steadfast by my side.  Even when I least deserve it.
   So life lesson number two...there are very few people who will show you unconditional love.  But when you find it, grab it and hold on for dear life...

More Than All The Stars In The Sky...

   Friendship.  It is a powerful, beautiful, delicate, and sometimes painful thing.  True friends are like family.  Sometimes you cherish some friends more than you do some family...at least I do.  I realize how horrible that sounds, but it's the truth. I should clarify this by saying I am not talking about my immediate family.  They are hands down the MOST important people in my life.  Ever.
   When things happen that test the strength of your friendships, you find out exactly how much that person means to you.  You realize what that relationship is made of...or what it's not.  Recently I have had a couple of friendships tested.  (One not really tested...it was more of a fallout from what happened with the other person...)  Both of these people are very special to me, and I can't imagine my life without them in it.
   I have come to see that no matter what the one person does or says, I will always be here.  I have always said that.  But now I can honestly say that I have now found out how true that statement is.  Good and bad, happy and sad...I will still be here.  That's what you do when you care about someone.  And I care.  Some people may not understand why or how...but that is ok.  It is not meant for them to understand.  I just do, and that is all that matters.  Because when it comes to these friendships, I love them more than all the stars in the sky.  I always will.

The Ties That Bind

   Have you ever thought about the people in your life (friends, family, significant other, acquaintances, etc.) and wondered "Why in the world do I even try to make this relationship work?"  I have.  I have wondered that about family, friends, and my significant other.  Not that I'm proud of that fact.  I'm not.  It's just the truth.  I try to be a good person to everyone in my life, but I have found myself, on occasion, giving up.  Not caring anymore...and for me, that does not happen often.
   I realize that every relationship has some sort of ties that bind us to that other person.  Some of them may be relatively small, while others are huge.  Some are things that everyone knows about, and others remain a painful (or sometimes wonderful) secret between you and that person.  Whatever the case, when you are breaking the ties in that relationship it's painful.  Which brings me to my next question..."If it causes so much pain, why do we delay the inevitable?"  Is it because we are scared of the loss, or is it because we like the pain?  I think it may be a little of both.  And maybe because we feel like we deserve the pain that it brings.
   I think for me it is because I feel like I deserve it, and for some reason, I like the pain a little.  Maybe because the pain reminds me that life is too short to be unhappy.  It lights a fire so to speak.  I honestly have no idea. 
   Whatever the reason, I know there are some ties that need to be broken, no matter how much I feel bound by them.  As the saying goes, "Sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest way of saying I love you."  I think it is time for some goodbyes in my life...

Life Lessons Part One

   So the past few days have been absolutely horrible.  That being said, I have learned a lot of life lessons...painful ones to be quite honest.  Why is it that it often takes something bad or tragic to teach us such lessons?  The events of the past few days, yesterday in particular, have made me do a lot of thinking and soul searching.  I have come to the conclusion that there are changes that need to occur in my life right now.  
   Some of the changes are minor, while others are not.  Some will hurt, and others will not.  All of these changes will be for the better though.  I recognize now that there are certain things about myself that I am not happy with.  For example:  The way I deal with stress.  I go about that completely wrong.  While I am comfortable in my own skin, I am not a talker. (Insert sarcastic comment here...I talk, ALOT...just not about things that cause stress in my life.)  I have this bad tendency to hold it all in.  Eventually I reach my breaking point, as we all do.  However, when I get to that point, things tend to get bad.  Self- destructive if you will.  That stops NOW.  Never again.  Why?  Because it almost cost me one of the friendships I hold dearest to my heart. 
   Another change that needs to happen?  The restoration of friendships that have gone wayward.  This bothers me.  I mean, I should really get the Friend of The Year award.  I have neglected friends and family recently, and there is really no excuse for that.  I have always tried to surround myself with people I love and who love me.  But there are a couple right now who just bring me down.  That stops too.  Cutting ties.  I am going to start loving the friends that I have been so wrong for neglecting.
   I have simply not been myself lately and I hate who I have become.  I have always been a pretty simple person.  But it seems that my life has gotten a little complicated lately.  Thus leaving me feeling a complicated simpleness...I am ready to get back to just being simple.  I am ready to get back to me.  So, here goes nothing...:)