Along the way, I have learned there are times that can really break a person. However, I have also learned that with faith, Jesus, precious family, and awesome friends, the breaking does not happen nearly as often.
Many of you know that I have been facing some tough reality the past few weeks. To those of you who do know, thank you for respecting my privacy. I wasn't ready to address it in an open forum, however I am aware that there is a need to do so. And I am now ok to discuss it openly.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in my doctor's office when she made the following statement "I am sorry to tell you this, but you do have cancer.". I can tell you that the moment she finished that statement it seemed like I could hear my heart beating in my eardrums, and I got tunnel vision. After a few seconds, I was able to ask what kind and what my next steps are.
I have cervical cancer. It is still a little unreal when I make that statement. But it's true. After numerous tests, there is no hiding from it. I am in the extremely small part of the population that did not get it from HPV. My doctor and I discussed the fact that studies now show it can be hereditary. And since my mother is adopted, we do not know our medical history so to speak.
I have already had a couple of outpatient procedures done, the latest one being today. I go back in February or March for another Pap Smear, and then this summer will proceed with a full hysterectomy. After that, we will know about what chemo and/or radiation route we will take. If any.
First of all let me say thank you for your phone calls, facebook messages, mail, texts, hugs (especially the big bear hugs), and the prayers. I can honestly say that I have the BEST family and friends of anyone. I was telling my mother tonight that you always know you matter to your family and best friends. But I never really thought I mattered outside of that to anyone. But apparently I was wrong. People I didn't realized love me, do.
Here are a few of my truths:
1. Sometimes I get nervous.
2. This does NOT make me any different than who I have always been. So please do not feel
like you have to act any differently around me.
3. I have had a few "worst case scenario" people ask me about the "what ifs". My family and I
choose not to think that way. We do not ponder that part. Because the "worst case scenario"
in my case, also means the BEST case scenario. Heaven. We just do not consider that an
option. :)
4. Please pray for my family. This has been very tough for them. Probably harder for them
than for me to be honest.
5. I do not feel sorry for myself in the least bit. In all honesty, I haven't even cried yet.
Although I am sure there will be a time and place when I do. If you happen to be the
person who experiences that, I am so sorry.
6. I am not slowing down. At all. I have a pretty awesome life to live.
7. As my dear friend said... Cancer has picked the WRONG gal to mess with.
8. I have 100% faith in my team of doctors. And I have 150% faith in my Jesus.
I know that there will be some tough times ahead. I know that this is not exactly the path I would have chosen for myself. But I do know that my God is in control, and He never lets me down. He never stops fighting for me. His love never waivers. And it isn't about to start letting me down now. He has His arms around me and is fighting like only He can. I am protected, and I am loved. And because of this, I know that I will be just fine. I have such a strong inner peace within myself. I do not have any fear. And I know that is because of Him. Because I certainly can't handle this without Him.
If you are reading this, and have a child in my class.... please do not discuss this with them. I do not want to scare them. And this will in NO way affect my job. I have 21 loves who need me. And I need them. They have my whole heart. I fell in love with each and every one of them the first time I met them. They make this journey bearable. Your children still get 150% of me. Always have. Always will. Period.
If you are reading this and have interactions with McKayla and Emma (my nieces), please do not discuss this with them either. There is no need for them to know anything until we get to the chemo/radiation part if and when that becomes necessary.
Lastly, please know that I love each and every one of you very much. This is just a little bump along the path that is my journey thru life. And that is exactly what I choose. Life. If anything, this has taught me to take nothing and no one for granted. Extremely cliche. But very true. Cancer breaks a lot of people. But I know one thing is true.... I. Don't. Break. Ever....
