Today, in church, we discussed the prodigal child. Well, for my family, I was that child. This post is difficult to write, as I am going to share a part of my story. While my story is much bigger than this, this is the most difficult part of it.
In my early twenties I found myself in deep despair. I had ended an engagement to a wonderful man... just not the man God had chosen for me. After that engagement I met Chris. We met at church and things were wonderful. Long story short, that wonderful man began to change. The man who was supposed to love me and protect me did just the opposite. After 2 years, I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted. My health had gone down very quickly.
If you think that is bad, just wait... My spiritual life became non-existent. I stopped going to church. I was angry at God and everyone in my life. To keep myself busy and occupied I started going to the gym 7 days a week for at least 3-4 hours. Sometimes longer. I ran 5 miles twice a week (on top of my workout). At the gym I met one of my friends. After several days of getting to know each other he invited me to church.
At first it was just irritating. The it just started to piss me off to be quite frank. I finally broke down and told him that if he would just shut up and leave me alone about it I would go. So that Sunday I found myself sitting at Peachtree Community Church. In the very back row no less. I just didn't want to be there. At all.
Well God was at work. Because every week after that I was in church. While I was there I met the man that I would later fall in love with. He is the only man to this day that I have ever loved. And while it didn't work for whatever reason, he is still someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for (not the romantic kind).
Why? Because during the time we spent together, God used him to show love. He sent this man to me when my life was ugly, messy, and in utter chaos. When most people would have high tailed it in the opposite direction, he was steadfast in showing me the love and grace of Jesus. I learned that Jesus wants me. No matter what I have been through, or what I have done. He is enough for me. I am forgiven. God fully understands how complicated we are. But He doesn't care. He loves us anyways.
I have been thinking (in anticipation of our next series at church) about what Jesus is to me. If I could sum it up in one word, I would say that, to me, Jesus is LOVE. He is forgiveness, grace, second chances, eternity, perfect, alive, all knowing, worthy, patient. He is enough. Jesus is love, and He is mine.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve the grace He showed me during that time. I certainly did not deserve His forgiveness and second chance. But he was there and more than happy to give them to me. Because of this, I try to love others the way that He loves me. Do I fail him? Yes. Every single day there are things that I could have done/should have done differently. But I honestly try to love others and show others the forgiveness and mercy that He has bestowed upon me.
When I was the one who turned my back on Him, He was waiting with open arms to welcome me home. His prodigal daughter had returned. And with Jesus is where she will stay. Forever.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Sticks And Stones...
The thing that has weighed on my heart the heaviest this week is how damaging our words can be. I'm not sure if people honestly don't realize how damaging our words can be, or if they simply don't care. And how many times do we have to turn the proverbial other cheek in anticipation of the impending second blow. Because there is always a second blow. At least in my experience there is.
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
The reason I have been thinking about this is because I have a friend whose child has become the verbal target of a school bully. She came to me seeking advice. It caught me a little by surprise, because this girl is one who is strong, full of faith, and genuinely a sweet person. I guess my friend noticed the look of confusion I am sure I had on my face because the next thing she said was "I am asking because I know you have experience in this area and you are a devout Christian. I want to know how you handled it. Because as her mother, I want to handle it in ways that will lead to you bailing me out of jail."
While I completely understand her gut reaction (Heaven help the people who are ever mean to McKayla and Emma), I also know that you can't find a positive solution to the problem that way. And in essence you should turn the other cheek. But while you turn, you must also kneel. Praying for the second party is critical.
This child is in elementary school and can get help from the adults around her. However, when you become the adult, things can get a little tricky. I continued to turn the other cheek for a second, third, fourth, and well, you get the picture... This went on for over two years. And each time my cheek was turned, I ended up on my knees in prayer for this person. It honestly became a way of survival. I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest I never saw my prayer answered... that it would just stop and this person would become who I thought they were in the beginning. That never happened. So eventually the relationship ended.
As an adult we have other options. Some are scary. All require faith and prayer. Monday was a pivotal turning point for me. A realization set in for me that certain things had to be done. And then a wonderful realization begin to set in... I really do have an amazing support team behind me all the way. Some people don't have that. I don't see how they make it alone. I really don't.
And while our words and actions can truly cause heartbreak to another, so can the lack of words or actions. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I don't talk about my Grandpa often, because I still have a REALLY hard time with the fact that he is gone. But this is a lesson I learned from him. We never told each other we loved each other until I was either in college or had just started teaching (I honestly can't remember right now). He always told us to "Be sweet". The end of every phone conversation and the end of every visit always ended in "Be sweet". There was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and that I loved him. We just never told each other...assumed the other just knew. One day I was at his house on one of my visits. As I was leaving he said "Be sweet.". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just turned to him and said "Granddaddy, I sure do love you. With all of my heart, I love you." And the man standing in front of me, who was not overly emotional, looked at me with teary eyes and said "Well Sugar, I sure do love you too. With all of my heart." From that moment on, there was not a phone call or visit that went by that we didn't tell each other 'I love you."
That is one of the only regrets I have. That I didn't tell him sooner. That's the one thing I would do differently if I could. I would go back and tell him every single day that I loved him. I regret those words that were left unspoken for so many years.
I have never been one who is good at expressing how I feel. With words or actions. I just assume you know. So for the last year, since he died, I have tried every single day to show the ones I love how I feel. The whole "I love you" thing doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is that those words will be left unspoken, and I will regret not saying it sooner. Again.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my Grandpa. He loved his family so very much. We were just as in love with him as he was with us. I really think he would be proud of us. He definitely would not be surprised that the second great grandchild is a girl, my Sweet Emma. I can hear him now... "Well of course she's a girl. That's all our family has." But one thing is for sure. He loved his girls. And we loved him.
Words can and do hurt. So do actions. But not only that... the lack of them can hurt just as bad. One this is for sure. I know how it feels to not have another day to say "I love you.". And that ridiculous sentiment of "You should always say I love you. Because you never know when it's someones last day with you." actually isn't so ridiculous after all...
Monday, January 21, 2013
Having Faith In A Faithless World
I realize that I have not blogged in a while. I have a lot on my mind and I am not quite sure where to start, so here it goes...
Today I have been thinking a lot about faith. I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase". It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see. I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
The truth is, I haven't always had faith. It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls. And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind. I became angry at God. I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate. At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going). I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed. I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move. He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined. That was the day it became clear to me. When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God. I completely gave up. Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side. He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned. The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would. But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy. That overshadows the sadness and sorrow. I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else. Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past. Because that is what has made me who I am today. It is what has gotten me to this point. My starting point.
Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement. I also have a little bit of fear. But where I have fear, I must also have faith. I have to have faith in a faithless world.
Today I have been thinking a lot about faith. I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase". It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see. I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
The truth is, I haven't always had faith. It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls. And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind. I became angry at God. I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate. At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going). I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed. I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move. He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined. That was the day it became clear to me. When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God. I completely gave up. Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side. He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned. The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would. But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy. That overshadows the sadness and sorrow. I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else. Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past. Because that is what has made me who I am today. It is what has gotten me to this point. My starting point.
Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement. I also have a little bit of fear. But where I have fear, I must also have faith. I have to have faith in a faithless world.
Monday, July 16, 2012
My Pursuit Of Solitude...
As you know, I will usually not post anything about politics, religion, or otherwise. Today is an exception...
Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Green (Edge Point Church) preached a very powerful sermon. It was about seeking solitude with God. One of the points he made; and the point that was the most powerful for me, was this: "You should pursue solitude with God, not because He demands it, but because He deserves it." I have to say, I used to be a lot better at this.
The past few months I have not sought out a relationship with God the way that I used to. I used to have time in solitude with God daily. But I found myself surrounded by people and in situations that made me neglect that relationship. The most important relationship of all was ignored because I chose to focus on the one that turned out to be the worst thing for me.
And because of my blatant disobedience I payed the price (as I should have). But thankfully, God has since completely removed the person from my life, and has guided me back onto the path He has chosen for me.
This evening as I was cutting my grass it became so clear to me. For so long, I denied the closeness that He deserves. I made choices that He clearly told me not to. However, once I listened, and He was able to remove the person who brought me down (in more ways than one), He started to show me His ultimate plan for my life.
He brought me closer to my family. He brought me into a church who loves its people. He introduced me to friends who will not only build me up, but will walk with me in my journey through life. And the greatest gift of all, He put the one I am supposed to be with in my life. He showed me how it is supposed to be to share your life with the right person. When I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the dating world anymore, He said... Just wait, I have one made specifically for you. And He did.
I realized this evening, that when we continuously pursue our solitude with God, He will continuously send blessings our way and pour into us, the way we pour into Him. My God is a God of extreme grace. And because of that grace, I am here. Realizing the grace my God has for me, makes me want to do only things He will be proud of. Sure, I know I will fall short every single day. But I also know that in the end, He will pick me up and brush me off. And I will keep on going.
Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Green (Edge Point Church) preached a very powerful sermon. It was about seeking solitude with God. One of the points he made; and the point that was the most powerful for me, was this: "You should pursue solitude with God, not because He demands it, but because He deserves it." I have to say, I used to be a lot better at this.
The past few months I have not sought out a relationship with God the way that I used to. I used to have time in solitude with God daily. But I found myself surrounded by people and in situations that made me neglect that relationship. The most important relationship of all was ignored because I chose to focus on the one that turned out to be the worst thing for me.
And because of my blatant disobedience I payed the price (as I should have). But thankfully, God has since completely removed the person from my life, and has guided me back onto the path He has chosen for me.
This evening as I was cutting my grass it became so clear to me. For so long, I denied the closeness that He deserves. I made choices that He clearly told me not to. However, once I listened, and He was able to remove the person who brought me down (in more ways than one), He started to show me His ultimate plan for my life.
He brought me closer to my family. He brought me into a church who loves its people. He introduced me to friends who will not only build me up, but will walk with me in my journey through life. And the greatest gift of all, He put the one I am supposed to be with in my life. He showed me how it is supposed to be to share your life with the right person. When I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the dating world anymore, He said... Just wait, I have one made specifically for you. And He did.
I realized this evening, that when we continuously pursue our solitude with God, He will continuously send blessings our way and pour into us, the way we pour into Him. My God is a God of extreme grace. And because of that grace, I am here. Realizing the grace my God has for me, makes me want to do only things He will be proud of. Sure, I know I will fall short every single day. But I also know that in the end, He will pick me up and brush me off. And I will keep on going.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Shattered Dreams And Broken Promises...
As we go through life we will encounter dreams that do not come to fruition, and promises that will be broken. How we handle those situations is entirely up to us. We can be a baby about it, run from it, or put on our big girl panties and deal with it. I prefer the latter.
With this being said, no matter how much time passes, or how much older we get... it doesn't get any easier. I choose to surround myself with people who love me, support me, and push me to be the best me I can be. This makes a lot of difference when you watch your dreams shatter around you.
Then, one day you wake up and realize you have different dreams and new promises. And then you realize that the people you have in your life who have made these promises will never break them. Not only will they keep their promises, they will help you build new dreams. Bigger than you could have ever imagined. And that is love.
With this being said, no matter how much time passes, or how much older we get... it doesn't get any easier. I choose to surround myself with people who love me, support me, and push me to be the best me I can be. This makes a lot of difference when you watch your dreams shatter around you.
Then, one day you wake up and realize you have different dreams and new promises. And then you realize that the people you have in your life who have made these promises will never break them. Not only will they keep their promises, they will help you build new dreams. Bigger than you could have ever imagined. And that is love.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Pieces Of Me...
I have been using the past few days to reflect on my life. What I have experienced, what I have yet to experience. What I can't wait to see come to fruition, what I wish I had never been through. And I have found that some of this has surprised me.
I am grateful for every life experience I have had thus far, because; in the end, it has led me to who/where I am today. It has not always been pretty. It has not always been fun. But it has always been real.
I know that I have become numb to certain feelings, and certain things in my life. Some people have said I am a little jaded...I prefer to say realistic. ;) However, as of late, I am wondering if maybe I will be able to come back around and experience these things again...to feel again. And I have to say I really think that I will.
Some of my life experiences I have talked about. Some I have told a select few, and will probably never post about them. Who knows, maybe one day I will be brave enough to do a post about them. But suffice it to say, I had a rough time for a little while.
Trust is a HUGE deal to me. I have been proven time and time again that trust is broken. In the worst ways. I have always known that my happiness can never depend on other people. But when a trust is broken, it so hard to recover. And then you add that trust being broken multiple times by the same person, and then by different people...it sometimes seems that recovery is virtually impossible. People do and say things that you would NEVER imagine them doing or saying. Sometimes they say things they don't mean (as in I love you), and when that happens, that hurts too. Actually that one probably hurts the most. By then, it is just simply too late. When you encounter this several times during the span of several years, you become numb.
So I have been going through life, in a way, numb. And when you least expect it, things begin to happen, and someone comes into your life who shows you that the numbness does not have to be a forever thing. Eventually, without even knowing it, they have started to take the pieces of me and are helping them become whole again. And that feels great. :)
I am grateful for every life experience I have had thus far, because; in the end, it has led me to who/where I am today. It has not always been pretty. It has not always been fun. But it has always been real.
I know that I have become numb to certain feelings, and certain things in my life. Some people have said I am a little jaded...I prefer to say realistic. ;) However, as of late, I am wondering if maybe I will be able to come back around and experience these things again...to feel again. And I have to say I really think that I will.
Some of my life experiences I have talked about. Some I have told a select few, and will probably never post about them. Who knows, maybe one day I will be brave enough to do a post about them. But suffice it to say, I had a rough time for a little while.
Trust is a HUGE deal to me. I have been proven time and time again that trust is broken. In the worst ways. I have always known that my happiness can never depend on other people. But when a trust is broken, it so hard to recover. And then you add that trust being broken multiple times by the same person, and then by different people...it sometimes seems that recovery is virtually impossible. People do and say things that you would NEVER imagine them doing or saying. Sometimes they say things they don't mean (as in I love you), and when that happens, that hurts too. Actually that one probably hurts the most. By then, it is just simply too late. When you encounter this several times during the span of several years, you become numb.
So I have been going through life, in a way, numb. And when you least expect it, things begin to happen, and someone comes into your life who shows you that the numbness does not have to be a forever thing. Eventually, without even knowing it, they have started to take the pieces of me and are helping them become whole again. And that feels great. :)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Throughout All Of The Darkness And Sadness, Soon Comes Happiness...
If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is to not give up. There have been so many times throughout my journey where it would have been soooo much easier to just throw in the towel... wave my white flag. I have been blessed with people who, when I wanted to give up, would not let me. They reminded me of who I am and where I come from.
I may not be the prettiest girl in the world. I don't have a lot to offer. My life is not always beautiful. But everything about me is real. I have never and will never promise to be anything or anyone I'm not.
I have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope to have. I have THE best family anyone could ever ask for. These are the people I choose to surround myself with. These are the people who keep me grounded and in line. They give kindness when needed, and they give a good butt kicking when needed as well. No matter which one the day calls for, they love me at all times.
I have seen people walk in my life, and then turn around and walk right back out. And to them I say "Good riddance." I have had people who have said and done some horrible things to me. To them I say "Thank you." Good riddance and thank you because for all of the darkness and the sadness you brought into my life, I have found ten times the happiness.
The lesson in all of this, is no matter how much darkness and sadness you encounter, don't give up. There is something so much better in store. And that is when you realize that life does not get any better than this.
I may not be the prettiest girl in the world. I don't have a lot to offer. My life is not always beautiful. But everything about me is real. I have never and will never promise to be anything or anyone I'm not.
I have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope to have. I have THE best family anyone could ever ask for. These are the people I choose to surround myself with. These are the people who keep me grounded and in line. They give kindness when needed, and they give a good butt kicking when needed as well. No matter which one the day calls for, they love me at all times.
I have seen people walk in my life, and then turn around and walk right back out. And to them I say "Good riddance." I have had people who have said and done some horrible things to me. To them I say "Thank you." Good riddance and thank you because for all of the darkness and the sadness you brought into my life, I have found ten times the happiness.
The lesson in all of this, is no matter how much darkness and sadness you encounter, don't give up. There is something so much better in store. And that is when you realize that life does not get any better than this.
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