Having Faith In A Faithless World

   I realize that I have not blogged in a while.  I have a lot on my mind and I am not quite sure where to start, so here it goes... 
   Today I have been thinking a lot about faith.  I think that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best when he said "Faith is taking the first step, even when you do not see the whole staircase".  It is often very hard to have faith in something that you can't see.  I have been asked how I continue to have faith when life has handed me circumstances that have completely sucked the life right out of me.
   The truth is, I haven't always had faith.  It's true...life has handed me some serious curve balls.  And when that happened, I lost faith in all of mankind.  I became angry at God.  I stopped attending church, became irritated with those who encouraged me to attend, and I was consumed with self doubt and self hate.  At the time I had no idea what kept me going.
   I remember attending a new church for the first time (in hopes that the person who had invited me would leave me alone about going).  I was sitting in the congregation of Peachtree Community Church when God starting speaking to me so loudly that I became completely overwhelmed.  I have NO idea what the pastor preached on that Sunday, and when the service was over, I felt like I could not move.  He had started an awakening in me that I could never have imagined.  That was the day it became clear to me.  When life had left me feeling like I had no hope, I walked out on God.  I completely gave up.  Then I realized that even thought I had walked out on Him, He had never left my side.  He had been waiting for me to return to Him.
   It is true, my life has not been the way I had planned.  The way I had hoped and dreamed that it would.  But my life has been one filled with love, happiness, and joy.  That overshadows the sadness and sorrow.  I would not trade my place in this world with anyone else.  Even the painful times...times that have now been left in the past.  Because that is what has made me who I am today.  It is what has gotten me to this point.  My starting point.
   Things are starting to happen that leave me full of excitement.  I also have a little bit of fear.  But where I have fear, I must also have faith.  I have to have faith in a faithless world.

My Pursuit Of Solitude...

As you know, I will usually not post anything about politics, religion, or otherwise.  Today is an exception...

   Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Green (Edge Point Church) preached a very powerful sermon.  It was about seeking solitude with God.  One of the points he made; and the point that was the most powerful for me, was this:  "You should pursue solitude with God, not because He demands it, but because He deserves it."  I have to say, I used to be a lot better at this.
   The past few months I have not sought out a relationship with God the way that I used to.  I used to have time in solitude with God daily.  But I found myself surrounded by people and in situations that made me neglect that relationship.  The most important relationship of all was ignored because I chose to focus on the one that turned out to be the worst thing for me. 
   And because of my blatant disobedience I payed the price (as I should have).  But thankfully, God has since completely removed the person from my life, and has guided me back onto the path He has chosen for me.
   This evening as I was cutting my grass it became so clear to me.  For so long, I denied the closeness that He deserves.  I made choices that He clearly told me not to.  However, once I listened, and He was able to remove the person who brought me down (in more ways than one), He started to show me His ultimate plan for my life.
   He brought me closer to my family.  He brought me into a church who loves its people.  He introduced me to friends who will not only build me up, but will walk with me in my journey through life.  And the greatest gift of all, He put the one I am supposed to be with in my life.  He showed me how it is supposed to be to share your life with the right person.  When I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the dating world anymore, He said... Just wait, I have one made specifically for you.  And He did. 
   I realized this evening, that when we continuously pursue our solitude with God, He will continuously send blessings our way and pour into us, the way we pour into Him.  My God is a God of extreme grace.  And because of that grace, I am here.  Realizing the grace my God has for me, makes me want to do only things He will be proud of.  Sure, I know I will fall short every single day.  But I also know that in the end, He will pick me up and brush me off.  And I will keep on going.

Shattered Dreams And Broken Promises...

   As we go through life we will encounter dreams that do not come to fruition, and promises that will be broken.  How we handle those situations is entirely up to us.  We can be a baby about it, run from it, or put on our big girl panties and deal with it.  I prefer the latter. 
   With this being said, no matter how much time passes, or how much older we get... it doesn't get any easier.  I choose to surround myself with people who love me, support me, and push me to be the best me I can be.  This makes a lot of difference when you watch your dreams shatter around you.
   Then, one day you wake up and realize you have different dreams and new promises.  And then you realize that the people you have in your life who have made these promises will never break them.  Not only will they keep their promises, they will help you build new dreams.  Bigger than you could have ever imagined.  And that is love.

Pieces Of Me...

   I have been using the past few days to reflect on my life.  What I have experienced, what I have yet to experience.  What I can't wait to see come to fruition, what I wish I had never been through.  And I have found that some of this has surprised me. 
   I am grateful for every life experience I have had thus far, because; in the end, it has led me to who/where I am today.  It has not always been pretty.  It has not always been fun.  But it has always been real. 
   I know that I have become numb to certain feelings, and certain things in my life.  Some people have said I am a little jaded...I prefer to say realistic.  ;)  However, as of late, I am wondering if maybe I will be able to come back around and experience these things again...to feel again.  And I have to say I really think that I will.
   Some of my life experiences I have talked about.  Some I have told a select few, and will probably never post about them.  Who knows, maybe one day I will be brave enough to do a post about them.  But suffice it to say, I had a rough time for a little while.
   Trust is a HUGE deal to me.  I have been proven time and time again that trust is broken.  In the worst ways.  I have always known that my happiness can never depend on other people.  But when a trust is broken, it so hard to recover.  And then you add that trust being broken multiple times by the same person, and then by different people...it sometimes seems that recovery is virtually impossible.  People do and say things that you would NEVER imagine them doing or saying.  Sometimes they say things they don't mean (as in I love you), and when that happens, that hurts too.  Actually that one probably hurts the most.  By then, it is just simply too late.  When you encounter this several times during the span of several years, you become numb. 
   So I have been going through life, in a way, numb.  And when you least expect it, things begin to happen, and someone comes into your life who shows you that the numbness does not have to be a forever thing.  Eventually, without even knowing it, they have started to take the pieces of me and are helping them become whole again.  And that feels great.  :)

Throughout All Of The Darkness And Sadness, Soon Comes Happiness...

   If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is to not give up.  There have been so many times throughout my journey where it would have been soooo much easier to just throw in the towel... wave my white flag.  I have been blessed with people who, when I wanted to give up, would not let me.  They reminded me of who I am and where I come from. 
   I may not be the prettiest girl in the world.  I don't have a lot to offer.  My life is not always beautiful.  But everything about me is real.  I have never and will never promise to be anything or anyone I'm not.
   I have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope to have.  I have THE best family anyone could ever ask for. These are the people I choose to surround myself with.  These are the people who keep me grounded and in line.  They give kindness when needed, and they give a good butt kicking when needed as well.  No matter which one the day calls for, they love me at all times. 
   I have seen people walk in my life, and then turn around and walk right back out.  And to them I say "Good riddance."  I have had people who have said and done some horrible things to me.  To them I say "Thank you."  Good riddance and thank you because for all of the darkness and the sadness you brought into my life, I have found ten times the happiness. 
   The lesson in all of this, is no matter how much darkness and sadness you encounter, don't give up.  There is something so much better in store.  And that is when you realize that life does not get any better than this.

This Thing Called Life...

   This week I have been reading a book, written by Rebecca St. James, called SHE.  Like I have said before, I do not typically discuss religion or politics on my blog.  Not that I am against it (quite the opposite), I just don't.  However, Rebecca St. James is a Christian recording artist.  SHE is a book about empowering women, without the "I am woman, hear me roar" philosophy. 
   It talks about how to have a happy and healthy existence, regardless of where you are in your walk through this thing called life.  There have been several passages in the book that have SCREAMED my name.  She talks about self-esteem issues (What?  Who me?  Low self-esteem? Nooo...), freedom, love, life, intimacy (the depth of your relationships/friendships), and a lot more. 
  Her book has really hit home for me in a lot of areas.  It is like she has written this book just for me.  I am finally starting to feel the freedom she talks about.  Knowing that I am not defined by my life circumstance.  Or at least, I don't have to be.  It's my choice.  And while, I may have to work hard at it, I can overcome anything.  I am capable of love, and being loved.  I am uniquely and wonderfully made.  I am me, and I am enough.  I don't have to conform to what the world thinks of as "beautiful".  I mean, let's face it, I will NEVER be supermodel material.  And that's ok.
   I don't have to settle for anything, just because society says I do.  I can live my life the way I am meant to live it.  And I can be HAPPY living that life.  I have taken the last month or so to work on my emotional healing (for a couple of reasons, I needed to do this).  One thing I discovered while doing this is that I had no idea how much I had changed.  And not necessarily in a good way.  I had no idea how hurt I really was.  And not just by one source.  The month I took to myself was needed far more than I could have imagined.  I am ok with the way things have ended up.  Not happy about all of it, but ok.  I have come to realize that it is what it is, and I am not the one who can change the situations.  They are in the hands of others.  The ball is in their court, so to speak.  It may stay this way forever, but at least I can live with the fact that I tried my hardest.  I hope that one day things change, but until they do I am going to go on with my life and happiness. 
   I have come to realize the extreme importance of my family and my friends.  They are the ones who will reach down and pull you up by your boot straps when you fall.  They will surround you with more love, support, and compassion that you deserve.  And the people who are true in your life will never ever turn their back on you.  No matter how far you fall.  No matter how much faith you lose in yourself, they never lose hope.  And in the end they are the ones who will help you put the pieces of your life back together again.
  And if the circumstances ever do change, I will be here to be that friend for them.  They may not need it or want it now.  Or ever.  But just in case there is a slight chance they do.  I will be here.  I won't turn my back on them.  Ever.  I will help them carry the load and put the pieces back together. 

A Happy Kind Of Sadness...

   Lately I have been thinking a lot about my Grandpa (Mom's dad).  He passed away in November and I still really miss him.  We were like two peas in a pod.  Especially when it came to Georgia Tech sports.  He was a Tech graduate and planted my love for the team at an early age. 
   Anyways... I started wondering how long it takes to stop missing someone.  And I came up with this... you don't.  It gets a little easier with time, but you still miss certain things.  You always will.  But I guess to completely understand where I am coming from, I guess I need to give you a little background info.  You see, my Grandpa and I did not have a "typical" relationship towards the end.  I was lucky enough to spend a period of time this summer as his caregiver on the night shift.  I helped feed him, give him his meds, take care of personal needs, etc.  So he depended on me a lot.  What he did not realize was that I was depending on him too.  I knew he needed me.  And I needed him. 
   Another thing you should probably know is that until I was in college he never said "I love you."  We just knew he did.  But he would always tell us to "Be sweet." when it was time for us to leave or hang up the phone.  One day it hit me... that was his way of telling us that he loved us.  So the next time, I saw him when I was leaving, I just looked him in the eye and said "I sure do love you."  He smiled and said "Well, I sure do love you too sugar."  I will NEVER forget that.  And from that moment on, there was not a time we talked that we didn't tell each other we loved the other. 
   And since he has been gone, it has made me realize that maybe when other relationships end you will always miss certain things about that person.  Maybe not.  But at one point, you will more than likely become mature adults and can be civil with each other.  Who knows?  Maybe you can even be friends.  You never know.  Because if you can't at least be civil, you may just miss out on one of the best friendships ever. 
   I wish that he was still here so that I could tell him how much I love him.  How much I needed him.  Even in the end.  I know that he knew.  Because I could see it in his eyes.  And I know that he loved me too.  But I still wish that I could just get the chance to tell him exactly how much.  So... Be sweet Granddaddy, and I love you.